Category: little johnny

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter….On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?”

What did the Miracle Whip say when the girl opened the refridgerator?

CLOSE THE DOOR IM DRESSING!

A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.

She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, “Don’t feed him worms! They’ll make him sick!”

They looked up at her puzzled and asked, “Was he sick yesterday?”

The teacher says, “Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today’s word is “beautiful”.

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.”

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.”

Teacher says, “Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it’s your turn.”

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, “Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, “Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.”

The teacher of an earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked Jonny to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

Submitted ny calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A kid once asked his Mommy ..what is that? pointing to her private part , she relpied thats the gate!

The other day he asked another silly question to his Father, Whats that Daddy? poiting to his private part , he said…thats the BMW ..my dear son!
Later that night, the kid couldnt sleep and kindly ask to join them in bed…

Both parents said sure, jump in but dont look under the blanket!
The kid decided to see whats under the Blanket…and he yelled out
“MOMMY, MOMMY ..open the Gate,the BMW coming!”

Little Johnny was walking down the road one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, ‘Whatcha got there, son?’ Johnny said, ‘Got me some chicken wire.”Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire, son?’ asked the old man.’Gonna catch me some chickens,’ said Johnny.’You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire,’ said the oldster.Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street. About half an hour later, Johnny came back passing the old man’s front porch with three chickens entangled in the chicken wire. The old man was shocked and couldn’t believe his eyes.A little later Johnny passed the old man’s porch. ‘Whatcha got now, son?”Got me some duct tape.”And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?’ the old man asked.’Gonna catch me some ducks.”You can’t catch ducks with duct tape,’ said the old man. Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.About half an hour later, back comes Johnny with three ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief.Half an hour later, Johnny was again passing the old man’s porch. ‘Whatcha got now, son?’ asked the old codger.’Got me some pussy willow.’The old man said, ‘Wait right there while I get my shoes!’

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don’t want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny.

“How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?”

He replies “Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.”

His father says “That’s fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?”

Johnny answers “Well, so far, we’ve been lucky…”

The String And Octopus Guide To Parenthood
by Colin Bowles

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it, it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, first smear ice cream onto the sofa and strawberry jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy a live octopus and a fishnet bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the fishnet bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only cellophane tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops, and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate popsickle and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a pencil and wedge it firmly in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down into the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to be a pre-school child, a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy oatmeal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the oatmeal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing “Postman Pat” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

There once was a PERFECT girl. Perfect clothes, hair perfect everything! She sees a dog across the steet she say ‘I want that dog!’ She is in the middle of the street and a car hits her and she dies. What was the Moral of the story Remember she was perfect!
Look both ways before crossing the street!

tis man walks in to a dinner and says can i use your bathroom the man says yes let me show you where thay are the man say ok and they to he back of the dinner and they come to the bathroom door so they walk in and the guy says would you like the singing toilet or the glass toilet and the man says I’ll take the singing toiletso the guy walks in to the stall and comes back out and says man do you know how enoying that toilet is all it sings is DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE!!

The kindergarten kids had graduated to the infant class. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten.

She told them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, ‘No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.’

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, ‘No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That’s the grown-up word.’

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and, in a very adult way, replied, ‘Winnie the Shit.’