Yours Fun Portal !
The ol’ cowboy goes into a bar. He says everybody on his left is a no good
queer. Everybody on his right is a no good bastard. A hippy stood up and said,
“Wait a minute, I belong on the left side.”
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Bwa-hahah Mwahahah.
-What? You laughed at it.
A little girl went to school and the teacher asked her what her name was. She said Happy Butt. The teacher said was bad and rude for her to say that so she sent her to the princeipal. The princeipal said what is your name and she said happy butt. The princepal said that was bad language i am gonna have to call your mom.The princepal told the mom your daughter says that her name is happybutt. The mom say Oh that must be my youngest daughter Gladais. Then they hang up. The princepal say your mom say you name is Gladais. the girl says Happy butt Gladass whats the diffentence.
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected
by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father
is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
Why did the baseball coach throw Cinderella off the team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
A freshmore in college started his first day of classes. His professor was
clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:
“Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can hear God, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand.”
After a short pause, with out any response from the students, he concluded,
“Since nobody can see, smell, or hear God, there isn’t any God.”
A student then raised his hand and asked if he could address the class. The
student approached the class and asked, “Students, can anyone here see the
professor’s brain?
Can anyone hear the professor’s brain?
Can anyone smell the professor’s brain?”
After a short pause he concluded, “Since no one can see, hear, or smell the
professor’s brain, I conclude that he doesn’t have a brain!”
yo mamma is so olds she is in jesus year book
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you’ve got an itch but your really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a “PICK AND FLICK” but it stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves your breathing by 90%.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN By a Weary Father (thanks craigs)- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.- A 4 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.- It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.- A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.- The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.- When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.- Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.- A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.- A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.- If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak — it explodes.- A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.- Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.- Duplos will not.- Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.- Super glue is forever.- McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know.- Ditto Tarzan.- No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.- Pool filters do not like Jell-O.- VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.- Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.- Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.- You probably do not want to know what that odor is.- Always look in the oven before you turn it on.- Plastic toys do not like ovens.- The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute responsetime.- The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.- It will however make cats dizzy.- Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.- Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.- A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Ever since this demonstration, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators!)
why couldn’t the elphant fit on the bed because it always broke because he was fat
One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, “How many grains of sand are in the beach?” Needless to say, no one could answer.
The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer.
Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.
At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, “Here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.
The teacher says, ” Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, ”Mum, what’s sex?”His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, ”Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”