What do you get when you cross something that is alone and a shark?
answer: a loneshark
Category: little johnny
Bitter End
Little Johnny’s teacher asked him, “Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, “bitter end” in it.
Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, “Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.”
The Boy Who Thinks He’s A Chicken
Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he’s a chicken! Doctor: How long has this been going on?
Girl: About a year. Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Girl: Because we needed the eggs!
The Bare Truth
A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough, a nurse
writes. She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her
lung sounds. Finally, I said, “Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.”
The child looked at me and calmly stated, “I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is
on my underwear.”
Real Mothers…
Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to makeit.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
Your an 8
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out,
‘Miss Jones, I need to have a piss!’
Miss Jones replied,
‘Now Johnny, that is not the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is urinate. Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.’
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, ‘You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a 10.’
The Elevator
Shaggy Brittany Spears & Shania Twain were on an elevator. All of a sudden Shania Twain said,Oohhhh! Someone pooted! Shaggy said, Wasn’t me. Brittany said, Oops I did it again.The next day They were on the elevator again. Shania said, Someone pooted again! Shaggy said, Wasn’t me. Brittany said, Stronger than Yesterday!
TONS of Groaners. . .
Q: What’s red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.
Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.
Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.
Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.
Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.
Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.
Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter “g”.
Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.
Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.
Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.
Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.
Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.
Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I’ll plaster you.
Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.
Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.
Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!
Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I’ve got you covered!
Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.
Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don’t work.
Voices! Voices! Shut up!
A teacher asked a pupil a question, but she could barely hear the child
speaking since the other kids were making too much noise. In an attempt to quiet
them, she said, ”I can hear voices!”
Two janitors outside heard the teacher and one said to the other, ”Jeez, she
better stop telling the kids about her mental problems!”
Animal Joke for Kids
What do you get when you cross a Parrot with a Catapillar?
A Walkie Talkie!
Amen to that!
During a children’s sermon, Father Dennis asked the children what “Amen”
means.
A little boy raised his hand and said, “It means ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s
all folks’!”
These are excuse notes from parents
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected
by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32,
and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very
close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea)
(direathe) the runs. [words in ()’s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don’t know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.
17) Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could
not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her
brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore
throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot
last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father
is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.