Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers

Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Marriage Proposal

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married. So Johnny went to Susie’s dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

“Where will you live?” asked Susie’s dad, thinking this is cute.

“Well,” said Johnny, “I figured I could just move into Susie’s room. It’s plenty big for both of us.”

“And how will you live?”

“I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That’s should be enough.”

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie’s dad asked, “And what if little ones come along?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “we’ve been lucky so far.”

Great Truths About Life

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptise cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

Can I Have A Drink?

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later, “Da-ad…””What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No. You had your chance. Lights out.”Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??””I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later… “Daaaa-aaaad…” “WHAT??!!””When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Letter to God

A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it.

He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.

The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you letter, which read as follows;

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving scallys deducted $95.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Dad’s job

Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out; Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy,
Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.

“No” said Edward, “He plays Rugby for the Blues but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Scouting

Dear Mom and Dad,
Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad’s mother and tell her he is OK. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn’t burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance on it. We think it’s a neat car. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and become our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

Children’s Books That Didn’t Make It

1) You’re Different — And That’s Bad
2) The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
3) Robert: Dad’s New Wife
4) Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5) The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
6) Kathy Was So Bad That her Mom Stopped Loving Her
7) Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8) All Cats Go to Hell
9) The Little Sissy That Snitched
10) Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
11) That’s It; I’m Putting You Up for Adoption.
12) Grandpa Gets a Casket
13) 101 Things You Can Do at the Bottom of the Pool
14) The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15) Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
16) The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17) Strangers Have the Best Candy
18) Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19) You Were an Accident
20) Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21) Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
22) Your Nightmares Are Real
23) Where Would You Like to be Buried?
24) You’ve Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
25) Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from Your Nose