Category: little johnny

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

One day, little Isaac says to his dad, �Did you hear about the stupid fool who
keeps going around saying “no”?�
�No.�
�Oh, so it’s you.�

The following are letters from children to GOD.

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Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

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Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

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Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
-Lucy

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Dear GOD, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

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Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

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Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now?
-Jane

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Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Nan

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Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

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Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
-Jane

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Dear GOD, Did you really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother.
-Darla

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Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

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Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

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Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
-Tom L.

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Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
-Bruce

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Dear GOD, If we come back as something – please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
-Denise

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.

5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

6. The glass in windows – even double pane – cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.

11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is permanent.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.

14. VCRs will not spontaneously eject PB&J sandwiches

15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.

17. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not taste or smell better baked.

19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make earthworms squirm.

20. Making a cat dizzy will cause it to spit up twice its body weight.

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, “Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?”

His father thinking quickly said, “Son, that’s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.”

“Gee Dad that’s great,” said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, “Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!”

“What do you mean?” said Dad.

“Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, “Jesus I’m coming, I’m coming” If it hadn’t of been for Uncle George holding her down we’d have lost her for sure!”

One day my nephew and I were driving back home a new route, when we passed by a church on the side of the road which had a sign out front that said, “The Assembly of God”My nephew turned to me and questioned, “I didn’t know god had to be put together?”– Submitted by Angela Tuttle

A little boy wanted $100, badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:

Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that
for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as
usual, those jerks deducted $95.

One day, little Sam is out walking with his dad.
Sam says, �Do you know what runs but never walks, dad?�
�I don�t know, Sam.�
�Water.�

A nude guy was sunbathing at the beach.

A little girl comes up to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper.

The little girl says, “What’s under there?”

So the man answers, “A bird.”

The girl goes away and the man falls asleep.

When he wakes up, he is in a hospital and in great pain. A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, “What happened?”

The man answers, “I don’t know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl.”

So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to he beach to find any witnesses.

When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about. So they ask her if she did anything to the man.

She answers, “I didn’t do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird.

After a while, it spat at me, so I broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!!”

Submitted by for4
Edited by Calamjo

Lil’ Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses’ legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Pop, why are you doing that?”

“Because I’m thinking of buying these horses.”

Johnny looked worried, “Then I think we’d better hurry home right away!”

“Why?” his father asked.

“Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, “Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer’s sign.

When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, “Now there are two!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis