Category: little johnny

Why was the belt arrested?

Because it held up a pair of pants!

Q. What’s easier to unload, a truck of ping pong balls , or a truck full of dead babies?
A. Dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.

ACTUAL ‘DEAR GOD’ LETTERS (Letters to God from children)

Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones you have now? Jane

Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil

Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce

Dear God, If we come back as something, please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise

Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth

Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I’m not praying. Elliott

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob

Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn’t sound right.

Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles

Dear God, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, “Hey, everyone! look at that!”

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, “Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, “Teacher, ain’t that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?”

A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother
asked them severely, �Why are you so late?�
�Oh,� said one boy, �we were helping an old man cross the street.�
�That�s a nice, but it shouldn�t make you half an hour late.�
�Well, you see,� said another boy, �he didn�t want to go.�

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades
and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of
this.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today.�

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and
will answer the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep
their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!”

Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”

I will not waste chalk… I will not skateboard in the halls… I will not burp in class… I will not draw naked ladies in class… I did not see Elvis… I will not call my teacher `Hot Cakes’… Garlic gum is not funny… They are laughing at me, not with me… I will not yell ‘fire’ in a crowded classroom… I will not encourage others to fly… I will not fake my way through life… Tar is not a plaything… I will not Xerox my butt… I will not trade pants with others… I will not do that thing with my tongue… I will not drive the principal’s car… I will not pledge allegiance to Bart… I will not sell school property… I will not instigate revolution…

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today’s lesson.

“I’ll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let’s begin. A”

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ‘ass’ or ‘asshole’. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said “apple”.

“Very good”, said the teacher, “now B”.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said “ball”.

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to “R”. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R”. So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: “R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin’ Rat!”

Q: Why did the Turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:

Have you ever breast fed your baby? a) Yes…b) No…c) Don’t know

“Don’t know”? Huh?

a little boy goes up t his mama and daddy and says “mama and daddy what were you doing last night?”and his mama and daddy said “we were making a cake” and the little boy said “i know i licked the icing off of the bed!”.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with: Better to be safe than………………..punch a 5th grader. Strike while the…………………….bug is close. It’s always darkest before…………..daylight savings time. Never underestimate the power of…………termites. You can lead a horse to water but ………..how? Don’t bite the hand that…………………..looks dirty. No news is…………………….impossible. A miss is as good as a……………………Mr. You can’t teach an old dog…………………math. If you lie down with dogs, you…….will stink in the morning. Love all, trust……………………me. The pen is mightier than………………….the pigs. An idle mind is………………….the best way to relax. Where there is smoke, there’s…………..pollution. Happy is the bride who………………gets all the presents. A penny saved is…………………….not much. Two is company, three’s…………………The Musketeers. None are so blind as………………..Helen Keller. Children should be seen and not……….spanked or grounded. If at first you don’t succeed…………get new batteries. You get out of something what you…….see pictured on the box. When the blind lead the blind……………..get out of the way. There is no fool like………………………Aunt Edie. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and……you have to blow your nose.