Barbie for Christmas

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas”?

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe”.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No”, says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

Sobbing Jerry

Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily. “What’s the matter?”
asked his mother. “Papa was hanging pictures and he just hit his thumb with a
hammer,” said Jerry. “That’s not so serious,”
soothed his mother. “A big man like you shouldn’t cry at a trifle like that.
Why didn’t you just laugh?” “I did,” sobbed Jerry.

What kids say

‘Never trust a dog to watch your food.’ – Patrick, aged 10.

‘When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer.’- Hannah, aged 9.

‘Never tell your mum her diet’s not working.’ – Michael, aged 14.

‘Stay away from prunes.’ – Randy, aged 9.

‘Don’t squat with your spurs on.’ – Noronha, aged 13.

‘Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to.’ – Emily, aged 10.

‘When your mum is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.’ – Taylia, aged 11.

‘Never allow your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.’ – Traci, aged 14.

‘Don’t sneeze in front of your mum when you’re eating crackers.’ – Mitchell, aged 12.

‘Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.’ – Andrew, aged 9.

‘Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.’ – Kyoyo, aged 9.

‘You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.’ – Armir, aged 9.

‘Don’t wear polka-dotted underwear under white shorts.’ – Kellie, aged 11.

‘If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.’ – Naomi, aged 15.

‘Felt pens are not good to use as lipstick.’ – Lauren, aged 9.

‘Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.’ – Joel, aged 10.

‘When you get a bad grade at school, show it to your mum when she’s on the phone.’ – Alyesha, aged 13.

‘Never try to baptise a cat.’ – Eileen, aged 8.

Children’s Books You’ll Never See

You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North America Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver You Are Different and That’s Bad Dad’s New Wife Timothy Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meet the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School

Boys and Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Washing the Dog!

Washing The Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

Things adults learn from their kids.

There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite

A 4 years-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape

It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit
by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh;” it’s already
too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak – it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house
4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know. Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

Your fire department in has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, “Daddy, diapers don’t flush!”

No time is a good time to hear, “Daddy, your tires are ‘hisssssing.'”

You never want to hear, “Watch me fly!” coming from the roof>

Nor do you want to hear, “Your new cell phone doesn’t work underwater.”

Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!

Never light fireworks inside.

Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for summer.

Daddy’s shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.

Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy’s shoes is not good.

Bugs are not a dietary supplement.

Walnuts make the blender act funny.

Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.

Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.

Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.

Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.

If you hear the words, “Can ya eat a lizard’s tail?”
It’s too late!

If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my hands.”
You don’t want to know.

If you hear the words, “Guess what’s in my mouth.”
You REALLY don’t want to know!

‘Fan’ and ‘flour’ should never be heard in the same sentence.

The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.

Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
without choking.

Any sentence which contains the word ‘Oooops’ is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, “How much do you love me?”
means ‘prepare for bad news’

Throwing daddy’s wallet in the trash compactor can change his mood.
Opening all 24 of daddy’s cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddy’s computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy’s mood.

Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their tank.
“Why do fish float?” means trouble.

Any sentence beginning with, “When [your pet’s name] dies…”
is never a good sign.

Setting the hamsters free changes the cat’s mood.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
Cats get even.