Category: little johnny

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time.

“No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.

His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her
8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the
afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger
boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his
mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, “Where is God!!?” Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the
clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and
bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this
time, dude. God is missing – and they think WE did it!”

�Mummy,� says little Issy, �Why do bees have sticky hair?�
�Because they use honeycombs.�

On a bad school report, the teacher reported, “your child has been working with glue too much.”

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing �5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the clerk, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless bastards at B & Q ever bring us the f*cking plasterboard!”

Submitted by Gravedigger
Editted by Curtis

what do you call a giant with carrots stuck in his ears?

anything he cant hear you!!

There were these two kids in the hospital about to go in for operations.. Billy says to Bobby, “What are you here for?”Bobby replied, “To get my tonsils removed, I’m really scared.”Then Billy said, “No tonsils is fun — it’s over fast and when you wake up u get a lot of jello and ice cream!”Then Bobby turns to Billy and says, “So, what are you here for?”Billy says, “Well I’m getting circumcised.”Bobby said, “Ouch I had to get that when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

A little girl is in line to see Santa When it is her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?” The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and GI Joe”

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No,” said the little girl, “she comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken.”

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying,
‘All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, ’cause this is the last stop. And all you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your arses in the train, ’cause we’re going down the tracks.’

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.’

She hears the little boy continue
‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
‘For those of you who are pissed off about the two-hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.’

After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
holidays. One small boy wrote the following…
” We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to
live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all
live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three-wheeled tricycles and they all
wear nametags because they don’t know whom they are. They go to a big building
called a wrecking hall; but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it’s
all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them
very good.”

“There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with
their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.”

As you go into their park, there is a dollhouse with a little man sitting in
it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they
can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are
dollars.”

“My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody
cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, Early Birds. Some
of the people are so retarded that they don’t know how to cook at all, so my
Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it ‘pot
luck’.”

“My Grandma says Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I
wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the dollhouse
won’t let them out.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked,

“Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side.

I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Calamjo

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas”?

The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe”.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

“No”, says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”