Category: little johnny

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side of the road!

Duhhh!

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”

“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.

“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”

One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. “What are you doing, the kid asked”.

Well, you wanted a brother, so we’re making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker’s tailpipe.

“Son…what the hell are you doing!!!”

And the son replied – “Mom said she wanted an new car, so I’m making her one!”

A nursery school teacher says to her class, “Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

First a little girl says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black.”

A second little boy says, “Trees are definitely green.”

“Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown.”

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, “Does a fart have lumps?”

The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course not!!!”

“OK…then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today’s lesson.

“I’ll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let’s begin. A”

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like ‘ass’ or ‘asshole’. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said “apple”.

“Very good”, said the teacher, “now B”.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said “ball”.

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to “R”. Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn’t think of a bad word that started with “R”. So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: “R…Rat…a big, fat, fuckin’ Rat!”

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.

Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.

Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.

Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.

Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.

Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.

Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.

Do not leave unit unattended in public places.

Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.

Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.

Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.

Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.

Unit is delivered “as is” and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.

Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the unit.

Hardware upgrades may be applied later in the life of the unit, but are discouraged.

When unit malfunctions, a hard reboot may be performed by applying moderate force to the units rear panel. This will disrupt the unit’s improper behavior but will not cause permanent harm to the unit. This may actually extend the life of the unit and ensure unit behaves as desired in later years. This practice should be performed as often as unit malfunctions.

Unit may later exhibit desire to permanently mark or drill its case. This should be discouraged by the operator.

Unit may require periodic maintenance. The use of lubricants, disinfectants, powders, and other consumable supplies is encouraged to keep unit functioning.

Unit may suffer an air build up after fueling. To expel this air, gentle taps should be applied to unit’s upper rear case until all air is expelled. Continuing to tap after expulsion of trapped air may result in sudden fuel expulsion.

Unit will periodically expel byproducts. As much as operator may wish to discuss the properties of these byproducts with others, the practice is discouraged.

Those desiring orders of multiple units should seek the care of a certified mental health professional.

Copyright Dan Kidder, 2004

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm� just making your brother Johnny �..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
——————————-
“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip
coming.” Alan, age 10
“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
————————————-
“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
————————————————–
“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.” Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
————————————————–
“Both don’t want any more kids.” Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
———————————-
“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age
8.

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
——————————————————–
“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.” Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
——————————-
“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and
have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.” Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
————————————–
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them.” Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no
diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her
come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.” Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
————————————————————–
“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?” Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the
same as they do now.” Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
———————————–
“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky,
age 10

once there was this family and they had one son. for eleven years he never left five inches from his parents side, even in the bathroom. so one day,on his eleventh b-day,his parents said”son we believe today is the day we leave you alone for awhile.”so they left,and he felt confident so he said”bye”.so five seconds later he looked around the room,and cried and ran for the window. but it was to late. when they got back they found him in the corner saying”im scared,and I dont know where the bathroom is.”

One day there were two boys playing by a stream when they
saw a woman bathing naked. All of a sudden one of the boys
took off running. The other boy took off after his friend.
After he caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.
“Well,” the boy said, “my mom told me that if I ever saw a
naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something
getting hard so I ran.”

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can’t make it.

The man calls out, “Let me get that for you,” and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

“Thanks, mister,” says the kid. “Now let’s run!”