Category: little johnny

In the sleepy city of Sherrill, N.Y., two unsuspecting adults have found themselves the objects of sleep deprivation research.

James Harden is currently in his tenth month of his study. His subjects, Debbie and Dennis Harden, have tried to foil his research to no avail. “Ferber” has failed and so has “The Family Bed.”

Young James conducts his studies by awakening in the wee hours of the morning, standing up in his crib, and screaming at the top of his lungs. Sometimes, a backrub from Mom will put him back to sleep; but at other times, it takes the formula ritual. Sometimes James is actually hungry but most of the time he just wants to check how his research is going.

Just how far has he gone? Last week, James woke up too early; his parents were still up watching David Letterman. Dennis looked at his lovely wife and said, “I can’t take this. I’m going to bed.”

Debbie responded, “If you do that, I will kill you in your sleep.” Dennis went to get the baby.

Any non-Ferber advice or even sympathetic anecdotes are being requested by these strung-out parents. All other babies James age in this area actually sleep through the night and have done so since they were 2 days old. Or their parents are outright liars.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!” The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.” Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma’s kitchen.

“Where’s my bucket and where’s my water?” Grandma asked him.

“I can’t get any water from that water hole, Grandma,” exclaimed Johnny.
“There’s a big ol’ alligator down there!”

“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt no one. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”

“Well, Grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”

Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?”

Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.”

Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?

Son: ” ‘Who threw the eraser at the principal?’ ”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

How do prisoners in jail talk to each other?

With their cell phones!

Little Johnny ‘s next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said “Now, son… that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his ears at all” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby’s hand He looked at it’s mother and said “Oh What a Beautiful little baby”. The mother said “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why… just look at his pretty little eyes…. Did his doctor say that he can see good?”

The Mother said “why, yes Johnny… his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said “well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn’t wear glasses!!!

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, “Mummy, why is my name Petal?” the mother replied “Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head.”

The next child walked up and asked, “Mummy why is my name Rose?” She replied, “Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head.”

The last child walked up to her and said “BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY.” The mother replied, “Be quiet, Fridge!”

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?” The priest says, “Because I’m a father.”

Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.”

The priest says, “You don’t understand, son. I have thousands of children.”

Johnny says, “You should wear your fuckin’ trousers backwards.”

Knock! Knock!
Who is their?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Cargo beep beep!

15> Petty Theft: Yugo

14> ‘Roid Rage: Proctologist’s Revenge

13> Where in the World Are Carmen’s Weapons of Mass Destruction?

12> Extreme Shuffleboard 2003!

11> Brut Force: The Co-Worker’s Cologne

10> Blogger

9> Stone Cold’s SCRABBLE Smackdown!

8> Zero West Wing: All Your Civil Rights Are Belong to Us

7> Chronic the Hemphog

6> Stargeezers II: Arthriticon vs. Metamuciloid

5> Panty Raider: Lara Croft’s Cancun Holiday

4> Honkey Thong

3> Tom Clancy’s Rational, Lengthy, Polite Diplomacy

2> Grand Theft Buggy: Amish Country

1> Sim Playing-Outside-Like-a-Normal-Kid

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don’t have to go to school on Monday.

The first Friday the question was, “How many gallons of water is there in the whole world.”

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, “How many grains of sand is there in the whole world.”

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn’t want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two blach ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, “Who is the comedian with two black balls?”

Little Johnny said, “Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”

“I know,” she replies. “I’m gonna get tits too.”