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There were three boys in a room. One called Zip, another called Willy, and another called pee.
Zip was on top of the cupboard. Willy was in the draws and pee was in the middle of the room.
Their mother came in.
“Zip down! willy! Pee in the corner!”
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner
market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would
constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles
short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice
between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the
nickel — they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said
“Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is
worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or
what?”
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his
face and Johnny said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so
far I have saved $20!”
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. Here are the results:
1. As you shall make your bed so shall you … Mess it up
2. Better be safe than … Punch a 5th Grader.
3. Strike while the … Bug is close.
4. It’s always darkest before … Daylight Saving Time.
5. Never under estimate the power of … Termites
6. You can lead a horse to water, but … How?
7. Don’t bite the hand that … Looks dirty.
8. No news is … Impossible.
9. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
10. You can’t teach an old dog … Math.
11. If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll … Stink in the morning.
12. Love all, trust … Me.
13. The pen is mightier than the … Pigs.
14. An idle mind is … The best way to relax.
15. Happy the bride who … Gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is … Not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s … The Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off til tomorrow what … You put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … You have to blow your nose.
20. None are so blind as … Helen Keller.
21. Children should be seen and not … Spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed … Get new batteries.
23. You get out of something what you … See pictured on the box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind … Get out of the way.
25. There is no fool like … Aunt Eddie.
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy, who returned it to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
Tere are 3 teenagers Named Fucku Shit and Manners. they r driving down a street one day and Shit falls out! So fucku went to get the paramedics. The paramedic says whats your name son Fucku whats your name son Fucku the paramedic says wheres your manners down the steet picking up shit.
An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at
Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. “You
will note,” said the stuffy Oxford scholar, “that in the English language, two
negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can
mean a negative.” To which someone in the back responded, “yeah, yeah.”
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, “Do you think I’ll find Big Bird in here?”
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, “Do you think I’ll find the Cookie Monster down there?”
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, “Do you think I’ll hear Barney in there?”
“Oh, no!” the little girl replied. “Jesus is in my heart.
Barney’s on my underpants.”
Little Abe was talking to his older brother Isaac.
�Isaac,� asks Abe, �why do bears have fur coats?�
Isaac replies, �That�s easy. It�s because they’d look silly in anoraks.�
A boy comes home from school one day and excitedly tells his father, �Guess what? I had sex with my teacher today!�
The father smiles and says, �I�m proud of you, son.
You�re a bit young, but the day a man loses his virginity is a day to celebrate.
I�ll take you out for a fancy dinner, then I�ll buy you a new bicycle!�
�Dinner sounds great, Dad,� the son replies, �but can we hold off on the bike?
My butt is still a little sore.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
“Doctor, I’d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son.” “OK: He’s most likely
suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder,
punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full
recovery.” “How can you say all that without even meeting him?” “I thought you
said he’s 13?”
Q: What did King Tut say to the museum?
A: I want my mummy!
The kid ran out of the burlesque show.
The doorman grabbed him and asked what is the matter.
The kid said, “My Mama told me if I looked at anything bad I’d turn to stone…. and I can feel it starting!”