Category: little johnny

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you… mess it up.

Better to be safe than… punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the… bug is close.

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of… termites.

You can lead a horse to water but… how?

Don’t bite the hand that… looks dirty.

No news is… impossible.

A miss is as good as a… Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog new… math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.

Love all, trust… me.

The pen is mightier than the… pigs.

An idle mind is… the best way to relax.

Where there’s smoke, there’s… pollution.

Happy the bride who… gets all the presents!

A penny saved is… not much.

Two’s company, three’s… the Musketeers.

Don’t put off tomorrow what… you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as… Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.

You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

There is no fool like… Aunt Eddie.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls
have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends,
“It’s okay, we can play that game again!”

Children in the back of the car cause accidents.

Accidents in the back of the car cause children.

Q. a guy went into town on wenesday slept 3 nights and rode out on wednesday

A. he had a horse named wednesday

Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull?

A: A Bull-Dozer!

What goes up when you count down?

A Rocket Ship!

Two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in.

As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kids’ penises were?”

“Yeah,” says his mate, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play with.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

“Mommy, what happened to him?” the little boy asked. “He died and went to heaven,” she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, “And God threw him back down?”

Teacher: “Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are
left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots
one. How many are left?”

Little Johnny: “None.”

Teacher: “Can you explain that answer?”

Little Johnny: “One is shot, the others fly away. There is none left.”

Teacher: “Well, that isn’t the correct answer, but I like the way you think”

Little Johnny: “Teacher, can I ask a question?”

Teacher: “Sure.”

Little Johnny: “There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking,
one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?”

Teacher: “The one sucking the cone.”

Little Johnny; “No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you
think.”

This kid walks into a general store one day and asks for a job.

The owner tells him that he doesn’t need any help.

The kid is persistent so the guy tells him to watch him when the next customer comes in. If he can do what he does, he’ll give him a job.

A few minutes later a customer comes in. “Good afternoon sir. What can I do for you?”

The guy says, “I need some grass seed.”

So the owner goes and gets it. When he gets back he says, “How about a lawn mower to go with this.”

“What do I need a lawn mower for?”

“Well when the grass grows your going to need something to cut it with.”

“Yea, OK, I’ll take a lawn mower too.”

After the customer was gone, the owner turned to the kid and said, “That’s how it’s done. Can you do that?”

The kid said, “Sure.”

So the next customer comes in and says, “I need some Tampax.”

The kid says, “Yes sir.”, and goes after them.

When he gets back he says, “Would you like a lawn mower to go with that?”

The guy says, “What the hell do I need a lawn mower for?”

The kid replies, “You might as well cut the grass. Your weekend is shot, that’s for sure…..”

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas.
Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she
bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl.
‘You’re getting your Christmas present a week early this year,’ her mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. ‘Is that what you
want?’
The little girl said, ‘It’s wonderful; mother…just what I wanted. There’s
just one thing wrong!’
‘What’s that?’ her mother asked.
‘Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another
little claw on the inside of every paw – but the poor little thing has no claws
at all in the middle of its paws!’
Her mother smiled. ‘Don’t worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning
you’ll find the claws are there.’
Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the
middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn’t even a hint, a clue or an
inkling of claws in the middle of its paws.
When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her
mother and asked again, ‘Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its
middle claws tomorrow? There’s only a few hours to go and there’s not a hint or
clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.’
‘Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,’ her mother smiled and went on
stuffing the turkey.
So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning
she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her
little kitten.
She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten
had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic.
Kitty rushed to her parent’s bedroom. ‘Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its
middle claws!’
‘Of course it has,’ her mother grinned.
‘But how did you know?’ Kitty demanded.
Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, ‘Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that
Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!’

Once there was a family who was given some venison by a friend. The wife cooked up the deer steaks, and served it to the husband and children.

The husband thought it would be fun to have the children guess what it was that they were eating.

“Is is beef?” The daughter Katie asked.

“Nope.”

“Is it pork?” the son Willie asked.

“Nope.”

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Willie exclaimed.

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Dad said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

“Spit it out, Willie!” cried Katie, “We’re eating Asshole!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis