Category: lawyers

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?””Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?””Yes” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?”Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.”The man says “Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.” Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.” Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in the United States each year.All these years I’ve been eating them raw.

The gate between heaven and hell collapsed. Saint Peter and
Satan argued who was responsible. Saint Peter said he would hire
a lawyer to defend the interests of heaven. Satan says “Where
are you going to get a lawyer? I’ve got them all!”

A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of London’s finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.”Charles” she bellowed.”What on EARTH have you been doing?”Thinking on his feet, he replied “Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evening’s excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.”Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that he’d need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.”Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?” she asked.”Well” he replied.”He hasn’t appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but I’ll give him three months in prison for sure.””Frankly Charles, I think you’d better give him six months — he’s shit in your trousers as well!”

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!!!

A judge of some thirty years passed away unexpectedly. Upon his passing he
as greeted by an angel who explained he was there to guide the judge to heaven.
The angel introduced himself and added, “and I must say it is truly an honor to
meet you.” As they slowly headed closer to the pearly gates the judge suddenly
stopped dead in his tracks and in no uncertain terms said, “Listen, I don’t care
how rare it is for someone of my stature to make it up here, but if there are
any attorneys in there, I’m not going in. I’m tired of them all. I’d rather
suffer an eternity in hell than argue with another minute with an attorney.”
Arriving at the pearly gates, and with much eyebrow raising by the
heavenly host, the judge was determined to be worthy to enter heaven. “One
moment, St. Peter,” said the judge as the gates to heaven swung open for him,
“just one thing, I’m tired of being around attorneys. I’ve been around them all
of my life. Are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal’s off and you
can just send me to hell right now!” “Certainly not!” cried St. Peter, “You’re
quite safe. There are no attorneys in here.” Feeling reassured, the judge
pressed on and through the pearly gates into heaven. The judge found heaven very
enjoyable until one day when all of a sudden a very elderly gentleman with a
long white beard, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand and a
handful of papers in the other pushed past him mumbling something about be late
for court. Enraged, the judge stormed back to St. Peter. “Hey! St. Peter!” cried
the judge, “You said there were no attorneys here.” “There aren’t,” stammered
St. Peter. “I bed to differ,” the angered judge promptly retorted, then pointing
to the elderly man, “What does that elderly guy over there look like to you?”
demanded the judge. “Oh my,” St. Peter said laughingly, “That’s not an attorney!
— That’s God. He just thinks he’s an attorney!”