Category: lawyers

In Bakersfield, California, developers of the Fairway Oaks community
designed their dream homes to have 5 bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a backyard large
enough for an in-ground pool, and NO LAWYERS! This made attorney Tim
Liebaert so angry – he’s suing. “I was very mad,” said Liebaert, after
learning that his application for a new Fairway Oaks home had been
rejected because of his profession.

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN’T YOU AFTER ALL — $
125.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?””I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client on the phone.

”I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. ”Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

”Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client again.

”Ma’am, do you understand what I’m saying?”, said the exasperated receptionist. ”Mr. Smith is DEAD!”

”I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. ”I just can’t hear it often enough.”

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know? RDFM”).*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your ‘creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often “compressed” so that it won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like “Thanks.”*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHouseWives,” then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload’s popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to ([email protected] ) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the information Superhighway Internet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer’s office.

“Is it true,” said the Priest, “that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?”

“I’m afraid you’re misinformed,” stated the lawyer, “People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one.”

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says “Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are.”

Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, “I still can’t tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground.”

So Harry yells down to the man, “Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?”

The man on the ground yells back, “You’re in a balloon 100 feet up in the air.”

George turns to Harry and says, “that man is a lawyer.”

“How can you tell?”, inquires Harry.

George answers, “Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless.”

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery,
and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
�You’re beautiful!� and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple
minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said �You’re cute!� Well, the wife
was dissapointed because instead of �beautiful� it was �cute.� She said �What
happened to �beautiful�?

His reply was �The drugs are wearing off!�

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.”The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral.

The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.

He soon received a reply from the VA.: “We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year.”

Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: “Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:

a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.

b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).

c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.

d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles – almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.

e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.

f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

“Your Honor,” replied the defendant, “that man represented me in a bitter
divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held.
The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get.
My lawyer told me I didn’t have to be present and “not to worry.”

“I can’t see why you’d punch a man for that,” interrupted the judge.

“Wait, there’s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the
bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, “Because everything’s coming up Rose’s.”

“THAT’S when I hit him!”