Category: lawyers

A golfer shot his tee over a hill and onto the next fairway. As he went to retrieve his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground moaning in pain.

“I’m an attorney and this is going to cost you $5,000!”

“I’m really sorry…..but I did yell ‘FORE” ”

“I’ll take it!” the attorney said.

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

“Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?”

“My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.”

“Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he’d get to it tomorrow.

The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I’m marrying a lawyer and I’m sure I’m going to get screwed!”

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some
things for you, ” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your
partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months
of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that
your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell
for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment. “What’s the catch?” he asked.

Why don’t lawyers lie on the beach?
Dogs would bury them.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, criticizes on everything, and then leaves.CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always have their idea generators running.MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out.SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally wacked out, and losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on wild rampages.ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.BROWNMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.CHIPS & SALSA: Chips ? hardware, Salsa ? software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, “We each owe $8, but all anybody’s got are yuppie food stamps.”CLM – Career Limiting Move: Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Complaining about your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again — our boss revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.GOOD JOB: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. TV trials are a prime example, Elimidate is another.PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. *(Syn: decruitment.)

In California, more than 600 lawyer hopefuls were taking the State Bar exams in the Pasadena Convention Center, when a 50 year old man taking the test suffered a heart attack. Only two of the 600 test takers, John Leslie and Eunice Morgan, stopped to help the man. They administered CPR until paramedics arrived, then resumed taking the exam.

Citing policy, the test supervisor refused to allow the two additional time to make up for the 40 minutes they spent helping the victim. Jerome Braun, the State Bar’s senior executive for admissions, backed the decision stating, “If these two want to be lawyers, they should learn a lesson about priorities.”

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the ‘Colonel’ stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kind like the ‘Honorable’ in front of your name – not a
damn thing.

A lawyer walks into his client’s death row cell and says, ‘I’ve got good news, and bad news for you.’ The prisoner says, ‘Okay. What’s the bad news?’ ‘The bad news is that the Governor won’t issue a stay of your execution.’ ‘Oh that’s terrible. What possibly could be the good news?’ ‘The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!’

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

A farmer’s wife was at her lawyer’s getting advice about a divorce. “He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones.” “How do you mean?” “Well, Mr. Jones,” says the farmer’s wife, “this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!” “Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn’t know you kept chickens.” “We don’t, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!”

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

14> “Wait! It’s a little tight, but… Yes! The glove *does* fit!”

13> “I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire.”

12> “Don’t worry, Your Honor — it ain’t loaded.”

11> “I request a change of venue to Virginia. No, wait… Texas!”

10> “I got your DNA right here, pal!”

9> “Oh yeah? You and what jury?”

8> “Is this gonna take long? ‘Cause I really gotta run by the store and pick up some more formaldehyde.”

7> “Liar! You couldn’t have seen me, I was wearing a mask!”

6> “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Naw, I’m just joking. Bring that bible back up here.”

5> “You call these friggin’ boneheads a jury of my peers?”

4> “Rape and murder? Absolutely not, Your Honor. At least, not in that order.”

3> “Your Honor, with your permission, I’d like to play the race card now.”

2> “Who died and made you Mr. I-Decide-The-Law?”

1> “Hey, who do I have to stab to get a glass of water around here?”

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