Attorney: Are you the husband of the defendant? I mean of the plaintiff?
Witness: I’m the wife.
Attorney: You’re not working for the defendant, are you?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: I mean, he hasn’t paid you off to come in here and lie for him, has
he?
Witness: No, sir. He doesn’t make that kind of money.
Category: lawyers
Birth Control
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Santos, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”The doctor thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
A PIED PIPER VARIATION
A man was looking around a small gift shop when he came across an amazingly
ugly statue of a rat. As he was staring at this statue, the shopkeeper came up
to him and began to speak.
“Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your interest in the statue. It’s only five
dollars, sir, but the story behind it will cost you fifty.” The man turned back
around and looked in shock.
“Let me get this straight. If I buy the statue and the story behind it, I’ll
be paying fifty-five dollars. But if I can bear to live without the story, I’ll
only pay five?”
The Shopkeeper grinned and nodded. Not believing what a bargain he’d got, the
man quickly paid and walked out of the store. A few moments later, he noticed
that a lone rat was following him. He shrugged, and ignored the rodent, hoping
it would leave. When he looked back again, some five minutes later, he saw that
the number of rodents had grown to maybe fifty rats. A little nervous, he turned
back to his path and continued walking.
When he looked around the third time, he saw thousands of rats following him.
Horribly frightened, the man rushed to a dock overlooking the ocean and threw
the statue as far out to sea as he possibly could. The rats followed the statue,
sinking into the waves like stones.
The man then rushed back to the shop, elated, panicked, and still in shock.
When he burst through the door, the shopkeeper gave a little chuckle. He had a
smug grin on his face as he said,
“I expect you’ve come back to buy the story.” The shopkeeper held out his hand
for the fifty dollars. The customer looked confused for a second, then said.
“Hell no! I want to know if you’ve got a statue of a lawyer!”
Out of What?
Two lawyers are all who survive a ship wreck. They wash up on a desert
island and remain for a month.
One day, one of the lawyers sees something floating in. It looks like a
beautiful, buxom woman wearing nothing but a life jacket. They pull the
semi conscious woman from the surf and remove her jacket. They stare at
the moaning woman for several minutes. Finally, one lawyer leacherously
looks at the other and asks,
“So . . . you want to fuck her?”
The other lawyer rubs his chin, thinks for a full minute, and finally
asks, “Out of what?”
True Lawyer Statements
Amazing and true lawyer statements.
Lawyers typically aren�t funny � unless by accident.
Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide…
1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn�t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn�t know anything about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, �I have to kill you because you can identify me.�
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself.
7) How long have you been a French Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That�s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I�ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don�t know what it was, and you didn�t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, �Your Honor, I�d like to strike the next question.�
20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that so?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
1000 lawyers
Q: What do you call a 1000 lawyers under the sea?
A: A good start!
Experimenting on rats
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,
“Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our
experiments?”
“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”
“Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful,
second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and thirdly there are
some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate
our test results to human beings.”
Terrorists attack
The terrorists have siezed the “Attorney Building” along with everyone in it. They are demanding $10 Million. But the negotiations break down as the deadline appears. The terrorists announce to the Police, “In case you think we’re not serious, if our demands aren’t met, we’re going to start releasing the lawyers, one at a time.”
Curly Pubic Hair
Why is pubic hair curly?So you don’t poke your eyes out!
Question
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer.
“Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man.
“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
Women Only Joke
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, “No.” A clerk came over and asked, “May I help you?” “I don’t know,” said the woman. “Do you have any ‘Sorry I laughed at your dick’ cards?”
drowning lawyers
Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply: Good!