Category: lawyers

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?”In seconds, he chooses Paul.Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.”I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?””I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.”Your hands? What do you mean?””Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

A motorist was on trial for hitting a pedestrian.

His lawyer argued, “Your Honor, my client has been driving for over twenty-five years.”

“Your Honor,” the plaintiff’s lawyer retorted, “if this case is going to be judged by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over sixty years!”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here? “Sure do,” replied the bartender. “Good,” said the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my’ gator.”

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?” “Certainly,” replies the doctor, “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head?
A2: No.

** What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.** Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostages? They threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met.

Good: You’re having sex. Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt. Worse: You liked it.Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room “studying” Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room. Worse: He’s in them.Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech. Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting….. Worse: ……with corrections.

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

A prominent young lawyer died on his way to court, and found himself before
the gates of Heaven. When he arrived, a chorus of angels appeared, singing in
his honor. St. Peter himself came out to shake his hand. “Mr Jones,” said St.
Peter, “it is a great honor to have you here at last. You are the first being to
break Methuselah’s record for longevity. You have lived 1028 years.”

“What are you talking about?” asked the lawyer. “I’m 46.”

“46? But aren’t you Steven Jones? The lawyer from Brooklyn”

“Yes,” the lawyer answered.

“Let me check the records,” said St Peter. He slapped his hand against his
forehead. “Oh, how silly of us. Now I see the mistake! We accidentally
calcluated your age by adding up the hours you billed to your clients!”

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.1. I finished the Oreo’s.2. Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.3. Y’know, to look at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!4. I hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!5. Darned if you aren’t five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!8. I’m so jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?10. Get your *own* ice cream.11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.12. Got milk?13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!17. Well, can’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!18. You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…