Category: lawyers

How many lawyer jokes are there?
3, the rest are true stories.

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

“Your Honor,” replied the defendant, “that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to be present and “not to worry.”

“I can’t see why you’d punch a man for that,” interrupted the judge.

“Wait, there’s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, “Because everything’s coming up Rose’s.”

“THAT’S when I hit him!”

In every single sex scandal that there is, in any court case that is, you
always have to promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
the truth. One of them obviously has to be lying, so what’s the point?

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down.

Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.

After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn.

A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door.

The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.

A few moments later there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig!!!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant�s arm to one year�s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer�s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

I hate you you mother f####r dirty b####h basterd beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.”I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!” St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and you’re at least 108.”

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.”Doctor, you must help me,” she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? ” The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, “You foolish woman – of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from…?”

A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, “Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?”The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?”The boy replies, “The other night when you didn’t know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, ‘Turn out the light Honey, and I’ll eat it!'”

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love
my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a
tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he
sobbed.A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And
my god, your left arm is gone!”The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My
Rolex!”