Category: lawyers

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:MAIN ENTRANCE.

What do you say to a busload of lawyers crashing over a five hundred foot cliff? Got room for one more?

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won’t do!

What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human
being.

Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the oldest profession (not THAT one!). The Doctor says, “Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is surely medicine.” The Engineer shakes his head and replies, “No, no. The Bible also says that God created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession.” The Lawyer smiles smugly and leans discreetly forward. “Ah,” he says, “but who do you think created the Chaos?”

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven,
and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean,” he replied, “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did
I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45.
I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few
minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all
the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!”

The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, “Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?”

“I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy,” she responded. “Actually, you’ve been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you’re some big shot, when in reality you’re nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you.”

Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?”

She replied, “Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he’s lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him.”

The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench.

Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, “If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.

“Your Honor,” replied the defendant, “that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to be present and “not to worry.”

“I can’t see why you’d punch a man for that,” interrupted the judge.

“Wait, there’s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, “Because everything’s coming up Rose’s.”

“THAT’S when I hit him!”

A lawyer died and appeared at the Pearly Gates at the exact same time as
the Pope, who just also happened to die that very day.

Upon their arrival an angel appears and announces “Please come with me. I
will show you where you will spend eternity.”

They follow the angel and soon come to a run down, ramshackle cabin that
looks like it will fall over in the next big wind. The angel tells the
Pope “This is where you will live from now on.”

The Pope quietly goes inside and the angel and the lawyer continue along
their way.

Soon they come to this gorgeous mansion in the clouds. It’s a spectacular
example of the finest workmanship available in Heaven with a view from
here to eternity. The angel tells the lawyer “This is where you will live
from now on.”

The lawyer is amazed. He says “This is great and I really appreciate it,
but I think something is wrong. That other man, he’s the Pope! I’m only a
common attorney. Why do I get to live in a fantastic place like this when
the Pope only gets a run down shack?”

“You have to understand.” said the angel. “Up here Popes are no big deal.
We’ve got a hundred of ’em. But you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”

How many lawyer jokes are there?
3, the rest are true stories.