Category: lawyers

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.

The other lion asked him, “Why are you licking your asshole?”

The second lion replied, “Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.”As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?””Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.””Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”He squirmed in his seat and admitted, “My dad sued me for the money.”

One day this truck driver was driven down a city street, when he
spotted a lawyer standing next to his parked car. He swerved at
him and hit him. He thought hey I’ll do that when ever I see a
lawyer. Then one day he picked up a hitchhiker, who turned out
to be a priest. When he spotted another lawyer on the side of
the road. He swerved at him then realized he had the priest in
the truck, so he swerved back. He said, “Sorry father I forgot
you were with me.” Then the priest said “Don’t worry, I got the
fucker with the Door!”

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the verandah of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, “Fuck you!”Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, “Fuck you too!”Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, “Fuck you!” swinging more forward again.Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, “Fuck you again.”This goes on. Finally Grandpa says, “You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.”

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwin’ you once your dead!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out.” You guys only get 1 wish and then I’m outta here, so make it a good one.”The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!””Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.”Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat!”

A woman is on the witness stand.

The judge says, “What happened?”

She says, “I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me,
dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my
panties, and bent me over a garbage can… I… I don’t even
remember what happened next…”

The judge says (jerking off motion), “Make something up! Make
something up!”

Centuries ago when the Seas were ruled by pirates, there was a certain captain. One day this captain was relaxing when the lookout burst into his quarters. “Captain, pirate ship off the port bow!”The captain then called for his first mate and said, “First mate, bring me my red shirt!” The red shirt was brought to him, they went into battle and won.The next day the lookout again burst into the room and said, “Captain, two pirate ships closing fast!” Once again the captain called for the first mate and said, “First mate, bring me my red shirt!” The first mate brought him his red shirt and once again they won the battle.During the celebration the first-mate asked, “Captain, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we go into battle?””The answer is simple. That way, if I’m injured, the crew won’t know and they won’t lose hope.”Just then the lookout burst through the door, “Captain, ten ships closing fast!””First mate, bring me my brown pants!”

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

How do you get a lawyer down from a tree…? Cut the rope..

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”The first says, “That�s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”