Category: lawyers

From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.”
(Things people actually said – word for word – in courts of law)

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your patrolcar’s red
and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his
lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would
prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks
for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if
you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.� replied the man.
“What?” shouted the lawyer?
“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose
the plaintiff’s business card.”

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. ‘Hi is Tony home?’ ‘No he went to the store.’ ‘Well, you mind if I wait?’ ‘No come in.’ They sit down and the friend says ‘You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I’d give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one.’ Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell – a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says ‘They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I’ll give you another 100 bucks if I couldjust see the both of them together.’ Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can’t wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives homeand his wife says ‘You know your weird friend Chris came over.’ Tony thinks about this for a second and says ‘Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?’

Is it my imagination or…do lawyers ask dumb questions?
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not,
where there was a victim?

Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you
indignities?
A. He didn’t offer me nothing; he just said I could have the
furniture.

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. Do you drink when you’re on duty?
A. I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. Uhh… just one: the victim lived.

Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?

Q. Now then, was that the same nose you broke as a child?

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of s***?
The bucket.

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, “so how do you plead?”,

“Not guilty” said the second defendant.

“I wasn’t talking to you” the judge replied.

“I never said a word” the third defendant replied.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.” The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.” The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!” The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter – “Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”

For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learnt you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.

“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.

The prosecutor again blared, “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Submitted by Curtis

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two … all the rest are true.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize
costs. The statement included this item:”Was walking down the street and saw you
on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the
street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you.
— $50.00.”