Category: lawyers

“Did youse git anything.” whispered the burglar on guard as his pal emerged from the window.

“Naw, de bloke wot lives here is a lawyer,” replied the other in disgust.

“Dat’s hard luck,” said the first. “Did youse lose anyt’ting?”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.”It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers–we had $100 when we broke in!”

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, �Hi there, how�s it going tonight?�

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, �I�ll screw anybody any time, anywhere, any place� it doesn�t matter to me.�

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, �No kidding? What law firm do you work for?�

There was a time when an apple a day kept the doctor away, but now it’s malpractice insurance.

There are two kinds of lawyers — those who know the law and those who know
the judge.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. “Well,” the patient said, “I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she’d take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she’d sit on it and have a ball.””She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.” “She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.””And then?” said the doctor. “Aw hell,” the patient explained.”That’s when she tried to kick it under the stove.”

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question: Should he tell his partner?

Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a
fish.

What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his
lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”
“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.
“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”
“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would
prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the
defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks
for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”
Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if
you’d sent them.”
“But I did send them.� replied the man.
“What?” shouted the lawyer?
“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose
the plaintiff’s business card.”