Category: lawyers

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered”.

“I think librarians are the easiest” said the second surgeon. “When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered”.

The third surgeon said, “I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded”.

The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.”

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles a day. One morning as he looked into the mirror to admire his body he noticed that he was suntanned all over, with one exception, his penis, which he really decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other old lady, “There really is no justice in the world!”The other little old lady said, “What do you mean by that?” The first old lady said, “Look at that.” When I was 20, I was curious about it.When I was 30, I enjoyed it.When I was 40, I asked for it.When I was 50, I paid for it.When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it.And now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I’m to old to squat

Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

Reminds me of the woman who goes to her gynecologist and complains of a pain in her averies.”Don’t you mean ovaries ?” the doc says.”No” she says.”We had better have a look” says doc. After a minute of peering, doc says “You’re right, It looks like there’s been a cockatoo up there”

Q: What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
A: Pollution.

Q: What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
A: Solution.

While summing up the State’s case against the alleged despicable conduct of
the defendant, the Prosecutor addressed the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen — all I
can say is that if Moses had known the defendant, there would have been two or
three more Commandments.”

A farmer’s wife was at her lawyer’s getting advice about a divorce. “He makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones.””How do you mean?””Well, Mr. Jones,” says the farmer’s wife, “this morning I was looking at the chickens, when he crept up behind me and had me from behind!” “Chickens? Mrs. Smith, I didn’t know you kept chickens.””We don’t, Mr. Jones, we were at the Safeway supermarket!”

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Q: Was it you or your brother that died in the war?

Q: Was it only you or were you alone?

Q: I’m showing you evidence number three, and I’m asking if you
recognize this picture?
A: Yes, that’s me.
Q: And were you present when it was taken?

Q: So you were gone until you come back?

Q: How did your first marriage end?
A: By death.
Q: And whose death was that?

Q: Can you describe the person?
A: He was tall and had a beard.
Q: Was it a man or a woman?

Q: Doctor, before the autopsy, did you check for the pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check the blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check if the patient was breathing?
A: No.
Q: So you mean that the patient could still have been alive when
you started the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because his brain was in a glass jar at my desk.
Q: But could the patient still be alive?
A: It is possible that he could be alive and working as a lawyer
somewhere, yes.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”