Attorney: Were you alone in the car?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: Were you driving?
Category: lawyers
Here’s your fee schedule
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule.”Alright,” the lawyer says looking through his papers. “You owe me $1000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.”What! That sounds like a car payment schedule,” retorted the client.”Your right. It’s mine.”
Lawyer quickies 5
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?A: An impossibility. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit. Q: Why didn’t the circus clown feel so bad about his career? A: At least he wasn’t a lawyer. Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?A: You can learn to respect a pig. Q: What is the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out. Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met. Q: Why didn’t the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? A: He didn’t like the lawyer living downstairs. Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach? A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand. Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances.
After an electrician finished
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney’s home he handed him the the bill.
”Four hundred dollars! For an hour’s work?” cried the attorney, ”That’s ridiculous! Why I’m an attorney and I don’t charge that much.”
To which the electrician replied, ”Funny, when I was an attorney I didn’t either!”
Fairy tales
Humpty Dumpy, the tooth fairy, an old’ drunk and an honest attorney are all
walking down the street together. Simultaneously, they each spot a one hundred
dollar bill lying on the sidewalk. Who gets the money?
The old’ drunk, of course. The other three individuals only exist in fairy
tales.
Too Far In
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, “If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?”She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. “Go get help.”, he pleads.She replies, “I can’t, I’m naked.”He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says “Cover your crotch with that and go get help.” She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, “HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!”The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, “I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.”
I’m sorry
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Attached to the ears.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
More Lawyer Jokes
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.
Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
Professional courtesy.
What’s the definition of “a shame” (as in, “that’s a shame”)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
When there was an empty seat.
How many corporate attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Who knows, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many defense attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got first pick.
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?
There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
Ducks gay dirty court judge Jokes
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Quack.” the duck answered.
“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.
“I was blowing bubbles.” he answered.
The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and
called up the next one.
“What’s your name?” he asked.
“Quack,” the duck answered.
“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.
“I was blowing bubbles.” the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack.” he said.
“No,” said the duck, “My name is Bubbles.”
A man went to a brain store
A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a
sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular
brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”
“Three dollars an ounce.”
“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”
“Four dollars an ounce.”
“How much for lawyer brain?”
“$1,000 an ounce.”
“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”
“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”
Lawyers Grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother.
On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”