1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.3. Toys multiply to fill any space available.4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.5. Yours is always the only child who doesn’t behave.6. If the shoe fits…it’s expensive.7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.9. Backing the car out fo the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.10. The more challenging the child, the more rewarding it is to be a parent…sometimes.
Category: lawyers
3 Trained Dogs
There is a guy who has a dog that doesn’t obey him. Then he sees
an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go
to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.
The guy walks in the room and asks, “Can you train my dog, and
are you a good trainer?” The trainer replies, “Well, I can train
your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am.”
He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.
The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. “Wow!”
said the guy, “What kind of dog is that?” “That’s a nurse’s
dog,” said the trainer.
Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the
room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, “Wow! What
kind of dog is that?” “That’s an architect’s dog,” replies the
trainer.
Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes
in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs
away. “Wow! What kind of dog is that?” says the man. “That’s a
lawyer’s dog!”
Lawyer quickies 3
Q: How do you kill 4000 lawyers?
A: You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
Q: What’s the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
A: Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
Q: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.
Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other’s just a fish.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
A: One’s slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
Screwing some one
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one
guy how to get a date. The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say, I’m a lawyer.” So
the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told
her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the
morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why yes I am!”, so they went to his place and when they were in bed,
screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered,”Well, I’ve only been a lawyer
for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
Oh, Those Darn Lawye
Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. ”Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ”I’ve found my ball!” he announces. ”After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?” ”What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!””And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. ”I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”
The Bunny and the Snake
A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the
woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they
decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the
bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also
know what he was. The snake ran his tongue over the bunny.
“Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose” the snake said “you must
be a bunny.”
The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake and said,
“Well, you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard …. you must be a
lawyer!”
Twelve Foot Graves
Why do they bury Lawyers in 12 foot graves?
Because deep down, they’re good people.
Lawyer One Liners #2
** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Lawyers vacation
For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.
During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper’s daughter.
Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.
Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.
Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Why didn’t you call me when you learned you were pregnant?” he asked.
“You know I would have have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider.”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Anytime, anywhere
A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?”
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn’t matter to me.”
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, “No kidding? What law firm do you work for?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Randy Mouse
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.”Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.””Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”
I must banish
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.