Category: lawyers

what do you say when a skunk comes to a court room?

oder in the court!

Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.”What’s the matter?” he asked of his friend, “did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?” “No – it’s worse than that,” replied the friend between sobs, ” he sold it to me…”

What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated backto 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:”Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:”Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I notethat you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.Now, may we have the lousy loan?

An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a
lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would
take the case on contingency.

When the client asked what “contingency” was, the lawyer replied, “If I
don’t win your lawsuit, I don’t get anything. If I do win your lawsuit,
you don’t get anything.”

Four doctors were sitting in the hospital lounge, arguing over who was the easiest to operate on. The first doctor said, ” I think libraians are easiest. Everything is in alphabetical order!” The next doctor says “Nawwwwww, it’s gotta be construction workers, everything comes with blueprints!” The 3rd doctor says “I am sure it has got to be bankers, everything is put in numerical order!” The last doctor stands up and says “You are ALL wrong!! Lawyers are easiest, they have no guts, no brains, and they are all interchangeable!!!!”

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United
Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t
donate even a cent to a charity.

“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital,
and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three
divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one
to support her four children…”

“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for
money.”

The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money,
why should I give you any?”

Attorney: Your honor, may we approach the bench?
Judge: What’s the purpose? We have no jury.
Attorney: Oh, I’m sorry, I–that’s my favorite line, sir.

Q. What do you do if you are in a room with Adolf Hitler and a lawer with
a gun and 2 bullets?

A. Shoot the lawer twice.

Q. What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?
A. You can make a pet out of the snake.
God probably ran out of molds for weasels when he was creating the Heavens and
the Earth, so he substituted lawyers.
As you might have guessed, we don�t like lawyers. So sue us.

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list and add your name to the bottom of the list. When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom 4 were worth keeping. REMEMBER this chain brings luck. One man’s pit bull died and the next day he received a Playboy swimsuit model. An unmarried man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooters waitress and a Hollywood super model. You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his own wife back again. Let’s keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below! > Bill Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> William Jefferson Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> W. J. Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> William Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> W. Jefferson Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> William J. Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC>> Slick Willie Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington, DC>> Mr. Hillary Clinton> 1600 Pennsylvania Ave> Washington DC

How many lawyers does it take to pave a driveway?
It depends how thin you slice them!

what do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the hudson river?
A good start!!