Category: lawyers

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” said the judge.
“And you, how did you do?” (to the 2nd boy)

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that!”

“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison…..

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?””Yes, I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “He can’t swim.”

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”

The lawyer looked puzzled. “Gee,” he asked, “how do you start a flood?”

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked “Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend” So the Ranger replies “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”

* “Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.”* “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.”* “All generalizations are false.”* “As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools.”* “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”* “I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!”* “Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep.”* “Montana — At least our cows are sane!”* “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.”* “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!”* “Friends don’t let friends drive naked.”* “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”* “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.”* “According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”* “A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.”* “Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!”* “Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.”* “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”* “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.”* “He who laughs last thinks slowest.”* “Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”* “Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”* “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”* “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”* “Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.”* “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.”* “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.”* “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.”* “Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”* “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”* “Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?”* “I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. “* “Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas – Taking the dog. –Dorothy.”* “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”* “I’m out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?”

Why didn’t the vampire bite the lawyer?

Proffesional courtesy!

There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day without fail. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.

After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.

This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, “Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?”

“We can’t,” said the woman. “Why not?” came the reply. “Because I’m a transvestite” replied the woman.

“YOU BITCH!” screamed the lawyer, “…I CAN’T BELIEVE that you’ve been playing off the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!”

Why does the Bar prohibit lawyers from having sex with their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for the same service.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor. Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? A: Senator. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? a: His lips are moving. Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? A: The vultures will eat the skunk. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk? A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk. Q: Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, “This
is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!” The plumber
calmly replied, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.”