Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.The city-slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, “Lady, I’ll give you $10 for a blow job.”The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, suh, for defendin’ mah honor!”Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot from back east is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!”
Category: lawyers
Lawyers in lust
Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman walks by.
“Boy, I’d like to screw her,” says one lawyer.
“I agree,” says the other. “But out of what?”
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone
maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest
man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were
buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here
lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
“That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it,
they would be certain to remark: ‘That’s Strange!'”
Enema
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn’t find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Get Me Another Lawyer
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
V.I.P
A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they’re getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes.
Then, they get to see where they’re going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.
At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.
By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, “Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I’m just a lawyer and I’m
getting the finest of everything?”
The angel replied, “No mistake, sir. We’ve had lots of popes
here, but you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”
Steep
A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.
“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that kind of steep?�
asked the man while dolling out the $50.00. “Yes,” answered the lawyer, “what’s
your third question?”
17 days
Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house. When he gets close he hears one say to the other “Here’s to 17 days!”Smiling, the bartender says, “Congratulations! What’s so special about 17 days?”Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, “Well, we’ve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!”
What is the difference between
What is the difference between a female lawer and a bulldog?
Lipstick!!!!
Free Man
A lawyer says to his client during jury deliberations, “Just
think, the longer they’re in there, the longer you’re a free
man.”
Lawyers Dog
A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.”Okay, Rover,” ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.”Hit it, Spot,” commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.”Your turn, Fella,” said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yeah, I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yeah, I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney said, “Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?”
The farmer replied, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing