Category: lawyers

Justin Turner, representing Elite & Premier Ltd, outlining his client’s case for an injunction said, “The agency represents many models who are household names such as Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Cambell and Linda Evangelista. I don’t know if your Lordship is familiar with these models?””Do I need to be?”replied the judge.”I don’t think so,” said Mr. Turner, perhaps wisely. Mr Justice Harman was perplexed by the use of the word ‘topless’ in discussing glamour modelling.”It means precisely the opposite,” he was told. This misuse of the word is, the judge said, is “remarkable – as if they had been cut off at the waist which is exactly what they do not mean”.”If you cut the top off, it wouldn’t be very interesting – what’s more they would be dead. It’s clearly an abuse of language by the tabloids,” he said. Peter Victor, The Independent, Friday Nov 15th 1996

You and your lawyer have just lost your case and you have just been convited of an armed robbery and got ten years. The gaurd is taking you away. Before you get there you grab the gaurds gun and run. You look in the chamber and notice you have only one bullet. When you’ve excaped into the parking lot you notice your lawyer and two gaurds. Who do you shoot?
(THE LAWYER!)

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”He calls up the lawyer.”Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…””Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…””Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…””The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the
jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks
the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out,
alright.” The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front
tiger turns angrily and says,” I said don’t do that again!” The rear tiger says
“sorry” again and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front
tiger turns and says, “What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop.” The rear
tiger says, “I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I’m just trying to
get the taste out of my mouth.”

A pipe bursts in a lawyer�s house, so he calls a plumber.

The plumber arrives, unpacks his tools, does mysterious plumber type things for a while, and hands the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaims, �This is ridiculous! I don�t even make that much as a lawyer!�

The plumber replies sympathetically, �Neither did I when I was a lawyer.�

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his dick. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.The doctor took a good look at it and then after awhile of uming and ering, he said “Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days.”The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.The man asked him what the cream was.The doctor replied, “Just lipstick remover.”

Attorney: Do you know how far you are pregnant now?
Witness: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at the time?

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Attorney: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Attorney: Were you alone or by yourself?

Attorney: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Attorney: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Defendant: Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.