Category: lawyers

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colurful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

Why are research labratories using lawyers instead of rats? Nobody cares
what happens to a lawyer. The lab assistants don’t get attached to
lawyers. And finally, there are some things a rat won’t do.

A man walking on the beach found an empty bottle. He picked up the bottle
and a genie popped out. “You have freed me from that bottle,” said the
genie. “I will grant you three wishes, but for every wish you make every
lawyer in the world gets doubled of what you wished for.”

“OK,” said the man. “For my first wish I want to have 10 million dollars.”
“Remember now, every lawyer has just received 20 million dollars.” “No
problem!”

“For my second wish I want a brand new car.” “Remember now every lawyer in
the world has just recived 2 brand new cars.”

“And for my third wish I want to donate a kidney.”

1″Are you married? “
“No, I’m divorced.”
“And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
“A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
2″Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?”
“No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
3″Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?”
4″Doctor did you say he was shot in the woods?”
“No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
5″Could you see him from where you were standing? “
“I could see his head.”
“And where was his head?”
“Just above his shoulders.”
6″…any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?”
“The victim lived.”
7″What happened then?”
“He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
“Did he kill you?”
“No.”
8″Can you describe the individual?”
“He was about medium height and had a beard.”
“Was this a male, or a female?”
9″Are you sexually active?”
“No, I just lie there.”
10″Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
“Yes, I have been since early childhood.”

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really MeanCAN’T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, “There is no way I’m going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, “without you in it.”DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, “We haven’t had a fight in a while.”NO, PIZZA’S FINE…. really means, “you cheap slob!”I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, “I just don’t want YOU as a boyfriend now.I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, “I can’t believe you have nothing planned!”COME HERE. … really means, “My puppy does this, too.”I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, “I don’t like you.”OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, “just not in that way.”YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, “You never listen.WE’RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, “I’m not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, “I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.”OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, “I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going Dutch.”I’M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, “We’re gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

“So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

“You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.”

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon, and stated “Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case strictly on its merits.”

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On
their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the
bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a
virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one
of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to
explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything
was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who
can, do; those who can’t, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had
the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that
he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was
up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product.
I’m just not sure how to position it.’

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk
about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look
at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was —
God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!

A horny young man went to a brothel…The lady at the counter asked him what his choice would be. The man wanted to know what was available.Madam, “On the first floor, we have the ex-models… they are all slinky and sexy… On the second floor, we have our ex-actresses…they are all buxom and beautiful… On the third floor, we have our ex-teachers….they…”Man, “Say no more! Lead me to the third floor.”Madam, “Are you sure… I’m surprised that you would prefer ex-teachers to ex-models and ex-actresses.”Man, “It’s obvious, ma’am, teachers always make you do a thing over and over again, until you’re perfect at it.”

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won’t jump all over you no matter what you’re studying.4. There are some things even a rat won’t do.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. Q: What do you do if you run over a lawyer? A: Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do have have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys! Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A1: Take your foot off his head.A2: No. Good! Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A: Shoot him before he hits the water. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? A: The bucket. Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

In Prison:You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cellAt Work:You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicleIn Prison:You get three free meals a dayAt Work:You get one break for a meal you pay forIn Prison:A guard locks and unlocks all doors for youAt Work:You carry a security card, you unlock the doorsIn Prison:You get to watch TV and play gamesAt Work:You get fired for watching TV and playing gamesIn Prison:You get your own toiletAt Work:You have to shareIn Prison:Family and friends are allowed to visitAt Work:You’re not allowed to speak to family or friendsIn Prison:Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not requiredAt Work:You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenseson your taxes to pay for prisonersIn Prison:You look through the bars, hoping to get outAt Work:You want to get out so you can go inside the barsIn Prison:The wardens who are often called sadisticAt Work:The wardens are called managers