Category: lawyers

~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.~ I know how to push all my wife’s buttons … now if I could only find the one marked OFF!~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.~ Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.~ When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.~ I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

The hooker will stop screwing you after you die.

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn’t move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.She tried to step up again, and still couldn’t, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.”What do you think you’re doing?”, she asked the guy behind her.”Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!”

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner.His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.”He won the case.

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being pay-day, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheque.When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.”How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”To which he replied.”That would be fine with me.”Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.”I’m an attorney,” the wincing man said, “and this is going to cost you $5000.””I’m sorry, I’m really sorry,” the concerned golfer replied. “But I did yell ‘fore’.””I’ll take it,” the attorney said.

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.” Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It is physically impossible!” she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A. They had pictures of lawyers on them … and people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

Q. What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A. Skeet.

Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A. Chelsea Clinton.

Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It might be your bicycle.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. It was so cold last winter … (How cold was it?) …
A. It was SO cold … that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50.00 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

Q. You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal
car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven’s gate waiting on St.Peter to
do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in
Heaven.

St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked.
Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really
should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if
it doesn’t work out?” they wonder, “Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,”
he informs the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.

“Come on!” St. Peter exclaims, “It took me three months to find a priest up
here!

Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer!?”

A man is walking along the beach and finds a lamp. Upon seeing
it, he rubs it to get the sand off. Poof, out pops a genie. It
immediately says that he gets three wishes, but whatever he
gets, his lawyer will get double. He is not happy, but decides
that he gets something, so its not all bad.

He immediately wishes for what he has always wanted, a new
Porsche convertible. As he is cruising down the street, he sees
his lawyer outside his house washing his TWO Porsche
convertibles. This makes him mad, seeing his lawyer get
something for nothing.

His next wish was for $1,000,000. As he is at the bank opening
an account, he oversees his lawyer depositing $2,000,000. Now he
is really steamed and cannot believe his lawyer is getting this
much.

The next morning, he is still mad about his lawyer and is
thinking about how to use his last wish. Genie pops up, and he
thinks hard. Then, he gets a grin on his face and says “I’d like
to get beaten half to death!”

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see any fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around
and changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than
the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife
and a rifle that had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with
yelling and smoke and bullets.
Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?
Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.