Category: lawyers

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn�t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer�s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I�ll give you $1 million, I�ll keep $1 million, and we�ll send the engineer to Mars.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together — he’d been overpaid by $100.00.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there won’t be a problem with fee splitting.

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s PrayerYo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heavenYou be chillin – Hallowed be thy nameSo be yo hood – Thy Kingdom comeYou be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be doneIn this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heavenGimme some eats – Give us this day our daily breadAnd cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespassesSos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against usDon’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptationand keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil’Cause you always be da Man – For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever.aiight

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children.”The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies “I’m sorry but he died last week.” The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies “I told you yesterday, he died last week.” The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: ‘My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”Well put, ‘ the judge replied. ‘Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.’The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

After a long life, dutifully serving his parishioners, the elderly priest
died. He found himself in Heaven, where he was warmly greeted by St. Peter.
“Welcome,” St. Peter said, “You have lived a good life. Let me take you to your
quarters, and then I’ll show you around Heaven.”

St. Peter took the man to a rather plain building, and escorted him to a small
room. The room was humbly furnished, but was functional. The priest was a bit
surprised, having expected Heaven to be a bit more extravagent, but he was happy
to be there.

They then began their tour of Heaven, and it was absolutely beautiful. The
priest felt silly for his initial resentment over his room.

Finally, they came upon an enormous mansion. A butler opened the door to the
mansion and a man came out, dressed to the nines, and proceeded down a long
walkway to the front gate, as servants rolled a red carpet before him. When he
reached the gate, a chauffeured limousine pulled up, and the man got in. It
drove off.

“Was that God,” the priest asked, stunned by the display.

“Oh heavens no,” replied St. Peter. “That was a lawyer.”

“I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but can you answer a question for me?” The
priest continued, “I spent my entire life devoted to my parishioners, and
teaching the gospel, and I have very humble quarters in Heaven. I just don’t
understand what that lawyer did, which would merit such a beautiful mansion.”

“It isn’t what he did,” St. Peter replied. “You see, we have thousands upon
thousands of priests up here. But he’s our first lawyer.”

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: “An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse’s mate is found in a ‘compromising position.'”

“See, I have a problem with that passion business,” responded one jury candidate. “During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him!”

Needless to say, she wasn’t selected for the jury.

What’s the definition of “a shame” (as in, “that’s a shame”)?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a “crying shame”?

When there was an empty seat.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!