Category: lawyers

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

A rooster awakes each morning ready and willing to cluck
defiance.

Attorney: Mrs. Smith, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Attorney: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked
it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his
lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it
right off.The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying “Are you alright, are
you alright?”

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. “What the
hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus…Ya know I am a
lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!”

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, “Calm down! You
lawyers are so materialistic it’s disgusting! Don’t you know, when that truck
ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?”

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said “Oh, God, . . .
my ROLEX!”

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary.

Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but
finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her.

“Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, “My lawyer!”

Submitted by Curtis

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”4. Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’re on rough seas.7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: “Got enough air in there?”9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, “Admiral”.14. One word: Flatulence!15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.16. Do Tai Chi exercises.17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!”19. Give religious literature to each passenger.20. Meow occasionally.21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.24. Sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” while continually pushing buttons.25. Holler, “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.28. Burp, and then say “Mmmm…tasty!”29. Leave a box between the doors.30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.32. Start a sing-along.33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”34. Play the harmonica.35. Shadow box.36. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.37. Lean against the button panel.38. Say, “I wonder what all these do,” and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.41. Bring a chair along.42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”43. Blow spit bubbles.44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,

“You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”
“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”
“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this…

…O…o

…and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”
“That’s admirable,” said the judge.

“And you, how did you do?”, he asked the second boy, “Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”
“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?”,
“Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

…o…O

I said (pointing to the small circle) “this is your asshole before prison, …”

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Person 1: I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00’.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
“Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge–and boy, did they know how to charge.”

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, “you’re soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.”
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said “you’re slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.”

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: “Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.”

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think YOU’RE going to find a lawyer?”

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, “Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?”
“Really?” the other replied, “Why did you switch?”
“Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won’t do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human
beings.”

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it’s financially hard to get back on your feet.

A little girl takes the elevator on her way to school. The girl hasn’t
finished her homework, as she is stuck with one of the questions. Next to
her in the elevator there is a housewife, an accoutant, and a lawyer.

“Excuse me”, she says, speaking to no one in particular. “Could anyone
please tell me how much is 3 times 4?”

“Why, twelve of course, little girl”, answers the housewife, somewhat
detachedly. She steps out at the next elevator stop muttering something
about laundry and cooking.

The girl seems no to be happy with the answer, so she looks at the
accoutant expectantly. He sighs, and tries to do some mental calculations.
“I’m not sure”, he finally offers, “might be 11.99 or 12.50. I need to run
these numbers on my spreadsheet to make sure.”

Of course she is not happy with this answer either, so she turns to look
at the lawyer. The lawyer smiles confidently at her, discretly signaling
her to wait. When the accoutant finally steps out of the elevator, the
lawyer kneels down to her and whispers, “how much do you want it to be?”

A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came
upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose hanging from a
tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and
jokingly said, “Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you
would be?” “Riding alone,” quickly came the reply.

Prospective Juror: Judge, I would like to be excused from jury duty because my
wife is about to become pregnant.
Attorney: Judge, he doesn’t mean his wife is about to become pregnant;he means
she is about to deliver.
Judge: He may be excused. In either case he should be present.