Category: lawyers

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, runs straight for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.

A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re
in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the Gates of
Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied
with the level of comfort in Hell, and starts designing and
building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer
is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a
sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great! We’ve got air
conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no
telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake
— he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and
I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just
where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of
lawyers?
They called down to ground control with their list of demands,
threatening that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer
every hour.

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since it’s priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, he’ll try him over there. His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card. His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -“A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since that’s your worse subject?”” Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they weren’t mucking around!”

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were
walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed
and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, “I’d give $250.00
to spend the night with that woman.” Much to their surprise, the
young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied,
“I’ll take you up on that offer.” She had a neat appearance and
a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the
man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, the man presented her with $125.00 as he
prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating,
“If you don’t give me the other $125.00, I’ll sue you for it.”
He laughed saying, “I’d like to see you get it on these grounds.”

The next day, he was surprised when he received a summons
ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He
hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His
lawyer said, “She can’t possibly get a judgment against you on
such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case
will be presented.”

After the usual preliminaries, the lady’s lawyer addressed the
court as follows: “Your honor, my client, this lady, is the
owner of a piece of property–a garden spot–surrounded by a
profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent
to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of
$250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it
extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon
evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the
amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is
restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the
defendant to assure payment of the balance.”

The defendant’s lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his
opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, was
somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present
it. “Your honor,” he said, “My client agrees that the lady has a
fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a
time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.
However, my client found a well on the property around which he
placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all
labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements
to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of
said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted.”

The young lady’s lawyer answered thus: “Your honor, my client
agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property.
However, had defendant not known that the well existed, he would
never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the
premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the
shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only
dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole
much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that
judgment be granted.”

In the Judge’s decision, he provided for two options: “Pay the
125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the
plaintiff for damages.” The defendant wrote a check immediately.

One night a father sent his kid to bed.Five minutes later the boy screamed,”Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!””No. You had your chance,” said the father.A minute later the boy screamed,”Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?””No. You had your chance.The next time you ask, I’m going to come up there and give you a good spanking!” said the Dad.Two minutes later the boy screamed,”Dad! When you come up to spank mecan you bring me a glass or water?”

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their
wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. “My fiance
and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it
possible for people in heaven to get married?”

St. Peter replied, “I’ll tell you what — after you have gone through an
appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again.”

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached
St. Peter again, and he told them, “I’m sorry, I know that five years was a long
time to wait, but there’s a problem. You’ll have to wait a little bit longer.”

Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. “Your
wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience.”
The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not
compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as
divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, “Look, it
took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long
it’ll take to find a lawyer?”

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat…… He says “Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here – try these on.” So, she did and said, “These are too big, I can’t wear them”. I replied, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.” “Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here try these on.” So she does and says, “these are too large, they don’t fit me.”Jack says, “…exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, “Here, you try on mine.” So he does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.” So Jill says, “…exactly. And if you don’t change your smartass attitude, you never will.”

A lawyer’s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!” As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer’s right arm missing.

”Do you realize your arm is gone?” asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
“My rolex, my brand new rolex!”

What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?”

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

Two solicitors came to a sticky end and were slowly making their way up to Heavan. On their way up the great staircase that leads to the Pearly Gates one turned to the other and said, “Look, Piers, I don’t care how rare it is for a solicitor to make it up here, if there are any barristers in there, I’m not going in. Especially silks. I’m sick of them all..” “Agreed, Tarquin,” replied the other, “I’m with you all the way on that. I’d rather suffer an eternity in hell than talk to another Q.C.” And so it was that they reached the gate, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host were judged worthy to enter.”One moment, St. Peter,” said Piers as the gates swung wide, “just one thing – We’re sick of Barristers – are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal’s off…” “Certainly not!” Cried St. Pete, “You’re quite safe – no barristers in here..” Thus reassured, the two pressed on. They were finding heaven very enjoyable until all of a sudden an ancient looking chap with a long beard, wearing a barristers gown and wig pushed past them, a bundle of papers under one arm and a battered copy of the Weekly reports under the other.. Enfuriated they stormed back to St. Peter. Oi – St. Peter! cried Piers, already drafting his pleadings in his head, “You said there were no barristers here..” “There aren’t,” stammered St. Peter “Well who’s the silk in with the long beard, then?” demanded the outraged lawyer.”Oh,” Said St. Peter, realisation dawning, “That’s not a barrister! That’s God. He just thinks he’s a barrister..”