One last try

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he’ll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ‘Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,’ he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: ‘Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.’

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquires the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answers the representative: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

Ounces of brain for sale

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.”How much does it cost for engineer brain?””Three dollars an ounce.””How much does it cost for programmer brain?””Four dollars an ounce.””How much for lawyer brain?””$1,000 an ounce.””Why is lawyer brain so much more?””Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

The Pretzel Lady

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”

Plumbers

A pipe burst in a lawyer’s house, so he called a plumber.

The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600.

The lawyer exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a lawyer!”

The plumber replied sympathetically, “Neither did I when I was a lawyer.”

Lawyer in a Bar

A lawyer saunters into a bar and hitches up to a stool beside a drunk. The drunk’s intently examining something he’s rolling around between his fingers. Curiosity finally overcomes the lawyer, who asks, “What’s that you fiddling with, mister?”

“Dunno,” says the drunk. “It looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

“Let me have it,” orders the lawyer. Taking it, he rolls it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. He tastes it with his tongue and puts it under his nose, sniffing and sniffing, but still can’t figure what it is.

“You’re right,” the lawyer says at length. “It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don’t have a clue what it is. Where did you get it?”

Drunk mutters, “Outta my nose.”

A woman and her little girl

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl’s
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl
asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”

Winking Man

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry….we can’t hire you.””But wait,” he said. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!””Really? Great! Show me!”So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.”Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over ,the country!””Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!””Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?””Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

Still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Charity contribution

An attorney was asked to make a contribution to a worthwhile
charity. His response was, “I guess you hadn’t heard, my mother
is suffering from a terminal illness and she has medical bills
which far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled combat
veteran. He is not only blind, but is in a wheelchair and he has
to take ten different medicines a day. My sister is an only
parent of three children since her husband died without life
insurance. She has no college and scrubs floors for a living
while moonlighting by taking in ironing. My wife is in a mental
ward, and may never get out. My only child is in a drug
rehabilitation program, but he left and no one can find him.”

Before he could get his breath and continue on, the fund raiser
thought it wisest to end this and let the poor man alone. “You
are correct, sir. I had no idea of your problems. Of course we
can’t expect you to make a contribution with so many demands
already on your income.”

The attorney nods and replies, “Exactly. Why should I contribute
to your organization when I don’t even give to my own family?”

Hard To Get

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, “We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?”

“Are you kidding?” said St. Peter. “It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I’ll never get a lawyer!”

An Old Man’s Dying Request

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor’s only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1.His Doctor
2.His Priest
3.His Lawyer

“Well, today I found out I don’t have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.”

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, “I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.”

The priest said, “I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the
church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.”

Well, the lawyer just couldn’t believe what he was hearing! “I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!”

10 Husbands, Still a

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.”How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”