There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”The man replied “Chicago”The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”
Category: lawyers
Lawyer Exchanges
Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain’t so bright after all….
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
Lawyer In Heaven (Classic)
A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked
“THE BOOK” and didn’t find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must
get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.
Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and
upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive
heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he
requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil
replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn’t find, they
would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air
conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.
Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which
he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the
cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and
folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.
About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God
was on the other end of the line.
“Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?” God
queried.
“Hell yes, I remember!” Said the devil.
“Well, Saint Peter missed that man’s name on the last page of our book because
the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer
back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they’re on THE BOOK, then they stay
UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS.” God exclaimed!
“I’ll be damned if your going to get that engineer back. He’s put in an air
conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be
here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to
be sent DOWNSTAIRS!” said the devil.
“Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the
book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don’t send that engineer back right away I believe
I’ll have to sue you!!!” shouted God!!
“And just where do you think you’ll get an attorney?” replied the devil!!!
Lawyer quickies 5
Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.
Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.
Q: Why didn’t the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn’t a lawyer.
Q: What is the difference between pigs and lawyers?
A: You can learn to respect a pig.
Q: What is the difference between baseball and law?
A: In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren’t met.
Q: Why didn’t the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
A: He didn’t like the lawyer living downstairs.
Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
The first profession
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s
first professional.
The doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with
the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first
woman?”
“No,” said the rabbi. ”It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed
someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”
“Wait,” said the engineer, “The world was created in six days from nothing. Do
you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole
world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?”
“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer…
The teacher, the thief & the lawyer
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when
they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is
overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, �Name the famous ship that was sunk
by an iceberg?� �Phew, that one’s easy,� says the teacher, �The Titanic.� �
Alright,� said St.Peter, �you may pass.�
Then the thief got his question: �How many died on the Titanic?� The thief
replied, �That’s a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is
1500 people.� And so he passed through. Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his
question: �Name them.�
Electrician
After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney’s
home he handed him the bill. “Four hundred dollars! For an hour’s work?” cried
the attorney, “That’s ridiculous! Why I’m an attorney and I don’t charge that
much.” “Funny,” replied the electrician, “when I was an attorney, I didn’t
either!”
Introductions
“You are a cheat!” shouted the attorney to his opponent.
“And you’re a liar!” bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, “Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let’s get on with the case.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Excess billing hours
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”
Blonde Horse Ride
This blonde had a near death experience the other day.She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn’t stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.She started screaming, and was in great pain.Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.
A lawyer and an engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said ”I’m here ’cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
”That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, ”I’m here ’cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer pondered the engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, ”How do you start a flood?”
Lawyer’s Dog
A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, runs straight for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
“Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99.
A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer. The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”