Category: lawyers

An elderly spinster called the lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.””Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”The spinster replied, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.””This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, “I’ll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?A: The bucket.Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?A: In a cemetery.Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 8 feet of ground?A: Because deep down they’re really good people.Q: You are in a room with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer. You have a gun and only two bullets. Who do you shoot?A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he’s dead.Q: What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.Q: Why did the post office discontinue their lawyer stamps?A: People didn’t know which side to spit on.

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest
a bad name.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN’T:10. I need to whip it out by 5.9. Mind if I use your laptop?8. Just stick it in my box7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!5. HMMMMM, I think it’s out of fluid!4.My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.3. It’s an entry-level position.2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but at the office isn’t:1. it’s not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM AREN’T:10. Have you looked through her briefs?9. He is one hard judge.8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers.7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.6. Is it a penal offence?5. Better leave the handcuffs on.4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!3. Can you get him to drop his suit?2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in a law firm isn’t:1. Think you can get me off?TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN’T:10. Damn, my shaft is bent.9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.7. Look at the size of his putter.6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.5. Mind if I join your threesome?4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.2. Nice stroke but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in golf isn’t:1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, ” Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”

14. If the penis enlarges, you must dismiss charges.

13. If the cock’s still wilty, they must be found guilty.

12. Don’t make a penis promise, unless you can make it humongous.

11. As the evidence will show when displayed in full, these charges are nothing but cock and bull.

10. If the man-meat’s still shrunken, the swell-test they’re flunkin’.

9. If the dick’s still undersized, they must be penalized.

8. And if it turns red like a sausage does, reward punitive damages!

7. His small dick’s a bummer, let’s buy him a Hummer!

6. He has a small penis and can’t get his nub licked. Shouldn’t he be compensated for admitting it in public?

5. If the plaintiff’s shrimp-dicked, you must convict!

4. If his dick won’t inflate, you must compensate.

3. For some dick was all that plaintiff did ask — he didn’t know he would take it up the ass.

2. No boner by 8:00? We litigate.

1. His penis is small and his wallet’s been lightened — this man needs some cash to have his wife’s pussy tightened.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a
courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking
along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian
lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a
ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer
walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he
remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a “whump”
and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, “Father, I’m sure that I missed that
lawyer.”

And the priest replied, “That’s OK, my son, I got him with the
door.”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She said that her husbad had
developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a
good idea. The doctor asked, “Does it hurt you?” She said her husband was
very gentle and it didn’t hurt. The doctor then said, “Well, then, there’s
no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex if that’s what you like, so
long as you take care not to get pregnant.” The woman was mystified. She
asked, “You can get pregnant from anal sex?” The doctor replied, “Of
course, where do you think lawyers come from?”

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.”He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”

You’re trapped in a cave with a cobra, grizzly, killer bees, and a lawyer. You have a gun that only has 2 bullets. What do you do?
You shoot the lawyer, and then shoot him again to make sure he’s dead.