Category: lawyers

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s
it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way.” I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping
him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?”

Attorney: You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked
like,but can you describe it?
Witness: No.

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.Lawyer #1 says, “Boy, wouldn’t you like to screw her?” Lawyer #2 then asks, “Screw her out of what?”

Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! Now it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.”

What can a goose do, a duck can’t, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Have you heard about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It’s called Sosumi.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Attorney: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared.The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, and the souls of your children.”The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange”!