Category: lawyers

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks “Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?”Billy replies “Oh, Father O’Sullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service”

The defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial–it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description?A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room?A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer’s house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, ”I’m humble, I will sleep in the barn.” So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It’s the Hindu and he says, ”There is a cow in the barn. It’s against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.” So, the Rabbi says, ”I’m humble, I’ll sleep in the barn.” A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it’s the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It’s the pig and the cow…

There was a lawyer, a cop, a docter, an old man and a boy. All on an airplane headed to Hawaii. All of a sudden it starts getting stormy, and lightning strikes the left wing of the airplane. So the airplane is going to crash, and the problem is, is that there is only 4 parachutes. So the docter grabs a parachute and says I need to save people!. then he jumps out of the airplane. Then the cop grabs a parachute and says I need to rescue people!. Then he jumps out of the airplane. So then the lawyer grabs a parachute and says No one cares about you two! and jumps out of the airplane. Then the old man says Come here boy. So the boy goes over to him. The old man then says Child take the last parachute for yourself. The boy then says Its ok you can… the old man cuts him off and says Just take it. Its ok, Its my time to die anyway. The boy then says No you dont understand, we can both live!. The surprized old man says How?. Then the boy replies That asshole lawyer just grabbed my backpack!

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said,
“I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was
destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.” “That’s
quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and
all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” He asked.

A lawyer’s car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over.

As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, ‘my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!” As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer’s right arm missing.

”Do you realize your arm is gone?” asked the policeman?

The lawyer, stunned, began to scream,
“My rolex, my brand new rolex!”

There was a lawyer, a cop, a docter, an old man and a boy. All on an airplane headed to Hawaii. All of a sudden it starts getting stormy, and lightning strikes the left wing of the airplane. So the airplane is going to crash, and the problem is, is that there is only 4 parachutes. So the docter grabs a parachute and says I need to save people!. then he jumps out of the airplane. Then the cop grabs a parachute and says I need to rescue people!. Then he jumps out of the airplane. So then the lawyer grabs a parachute and says No one cares about you two! and jumps out of the airplane. Then the old man says Come here boy. So the boy goes over to him. The old man then says Child take the last parachute for yourself. The boy then says Its ok you can… the old man cuts him off and says Just take it. Its ok, Its my time to die anyway. The boy then says No you dont understand, we can both live!. The surprized old man says How?. Then the boy replies That asshole lawyer just grabbed my backpack!

Revelations on My Life 1. I’m not into working out. You see, my philosophy is no pain, no pain. 2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?5. People say you have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is. 6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her!8. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific!

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be fine in a minute or two, officer. We just got off Route 119!”

Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show “Politically Incorrect,” between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I don’t remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don’t know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents’ heads off.

Leslie: No, they didn’t. They didn’t blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didn’t blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

Q: Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
A: He was looking for loopholes!

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and
diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she
needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first
applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond
question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest.
Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid
back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”