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Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, “Give it to me straight. How long have I got?” The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, “Call for my lawyer.” When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied “Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I’d check out the same way.”
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. “Were you alone or by yourself?”
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
22. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.”
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ”What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, ”I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ”Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ”I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ”Are we over the border yet?”
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.”All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.””What do they say?”, the priest asked.”They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?””That’s terrible”, the priest exclaimed, “But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.””Thank you.” said the lady.So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?”One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered”
There was a man who loved to go pheasant hunting in the fall of
year and read an advertisement of a dog trainer that rented out
“the world’s best bird dogs.” He decided to try one of these
dogs since he had never had any luck with the hunting dog he
already owned. He went to the dog trainer and asked, “I read
your ad and would like to rent one of your dogs to hunt
pheasants for the day. I would like the best dog in your kennel.”
The dog trainer replied, “Well, then you would want Lawyer. He
has a great nose and always scares up dozens of pheasants. He
rents for $50 per day.”
“Great!” the hunter replied.
The hunter paid the fee and took Lawyer out to a field and sure
enough, he flushed out one bird after another and by the end of
the day the man had shot his limit of pheasants.
The next year the man knew he had to go back to this same kennel
and rent Lawyer. However, upon arriving the dog trainer told the
hunter that Lawyer now rented for $100 a day. “Why is that?” the
hunter asked.
“Well, Lawyer is even better this year. Take him out and you’ll
see.”
The hunter felt it was worth the $100 if the dog was better than
the last year and so he paid the fee and went out to a field and
sure enough, Lawyer flushed out so many pheasants that the
hunter had shot his limit before lunch time.
The next year the man returned to rent Lawyer for the day but
was surprised to discover that the dog now rented for $500 a
day. The dog trainer said, “He’s expensive because he is in such
high demand. Everybody wants Lawyer. And why not? He’s an even
better bird dog than last year.”
Once again the hunter felt it was worth the price and so he paid
the $500 and went out to a field. Lawyer was fantastic and the
hunter shot his limit of pheasant within an hour.
The next year the hunter returned to rent Lawyer. “How much this
year?” he said.
“$5,” the dog trainer replied.
“$5?” the hunter exclaimed. What do you mean $5? The first year
you charged $50, the second year $100 and last year $500? What
happened that Lawyer is suddenly so cheap?”
The dog trainer responded, “A couple of weeks ago a couple of
guys came in and rented Lawyer and took him out to hunt
pheasants but in the process they mistakenly called him
Judge….and now all he does is sit on his butt and bark!”
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to look into this for at least a month.”
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”
“Nothing,” replied the young man.
“I’m just here to hook up your phone.”
Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client’s jury to hold outfor a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.”Sure did,” the juror replied, “the other eleven wanted to acquit.”