Category: lawyers

Independent Medical Examiner: It may be both. And we have a phrase for that in
the orthopedic community, “green poultice treatment.”
Attorney: What does that mean?
IME: “Green poultice treatment” means the pain will go away once a green
poultice, or stack of money, is placed over the injury.

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, “Did
you actually see the accident?”
The witness: “Yes, sir.”

The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the
jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and
measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.”

Did you know that it is against the law to take a dump in another person’s toilet in Kentucky?

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.

One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble.

Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer.

After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway.

As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney.

Surprised upon hearing a loud ‘thump’ as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road.

“I’m so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!” the truck driver plead.

“You did my son, but I got him with the door!” gleed the Nun.

lawyer asks question to witness
Q:What happened then?
A:He said “I will kill you, because you may identify me” to me
Q:Did he kill you?
***************************************
Q:Do you have a child or something like that?
A:oh yes.I have one monkey.
***************************************
Q:I show you the third evidence and ask you if you recognize
this picture
A:yes its my picture
Q:were you there while this photo taken?
A:Nooo! I was in Guatemela’s independence day festivals
****************************************
Q:Now Mrs. Johnson, How was your first marriage ended?
A:Because of death
Q:For whose because of death
A:because of Guatemela’s president death
****************************************
Q:Then you were not there until you return there, is it?
A:yeah, I was here, there in somewhere

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.”

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “OK, you old coot! now, it’s my turn.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No I give up, you can have the duck.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture,
DEAD or ALIVE! A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to
track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search,
the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him.
At the sound of the Ranger’s guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised
bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger’s six-shooters bearing down on
him. The Ranger announced, “You’re under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot
or I’ll drop you where you stand,” his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.
However, the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish.
Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and
translated the Ranger’s demand to the bandit. The terrified bandit blurted out,
in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.
“What did he say, what did he say?� the Ranger hurriedly asked. To which the
lawyer replied, “Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.

1. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively
to lawyers? It’s called, Sosumi.

2. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest
stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them…and people
couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.

3. How are an apple and a lawyer alike? They both look good
hanging from a tree.

4. How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future
lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.

5. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then
he lies on the other.

6. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are
true stories.

7. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue
the ladder company.

8. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read your
newspaper?

9. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look
good.

10. What did the terrorist that hijacked a jumbo-jet full of
lawyers do? He threatened to release one every hour if his
demands were not met.

11. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They
are both extinct.

12. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? It takes 300,000
of them to make one human being.

13. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in
cement? Not enough cement.

14. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? A round of Skeet.

15.What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

15. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

16. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

17. What does a lawyer do after sex? Pays the bill.

18. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.

19. What’s brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

20. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The
pronunciation.

21. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? The
prostitute stops screwing you after you are dead.

22. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The
lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

23. What’s the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One
is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.

24. Where can you find a good lawyer? The nearest cemetery.

25. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.

26. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country,
and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got
first choice.

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.”Your wife makes a delicious roast, “The chief said.”Thanks,” his friend said. “I’m gonna miss her.”