Category: lawyers

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

There is a truck driver driving along, and he stops and picks up a priest to give him a ride. He’s driving down the highway and he sees a lawyer along the side of the road and things, ”Hot damn! A lawyer that I could run over!” So he speeds up and heads straight for him. At the last second he remembers the priest with him. So he swerves real quick to miss, him, but still hears a thump. He looks behind, no sign of the lawyer. He says to the priest ”Wow, that was a close one, I almost hit that lawyer!” The priest then replies ”That’s ok son, I got him with my door.”

Two men are walking along the beach on day when they find a bottle buried in the sand. As they are brushing the sand off, a genie pops out and tells them he will give each of them one wish. After thinking a moment the first man says, I wish I were the world’s smartest man.” “Done, says the genie, and the man suddenly starts explaining Einstein�s Theory of Relativity to his friend. The second man thinks for a moment, then says, “I want to be smarter than him!” “Done,” says the genie, and turns him into a woman!

Title Search Excerpted from the Empire State Surveyor, New York Society of Professional Surveyors, November 1990 One of the best examples of how ridiculous government paperwork can be is illustrated by a recent case in Louisiana. A company president was trying to buy some land in Louisiana for a plant expansion, and he wanted to finance this new facility with a government loan. His lawyer filled out all the necessary forms and applications and sent them appropriately. The government reviewed his application and abstract and sent the following reply: “We received today your letter enclosing application for your client supported by abstract of title. We have observed, however, that you have not traced the title previous to 1803, and before final approval, it will be necessary that the title be traced previous to that year. Yours truly, etc.”As a result, the lawyer sent the following letter to the government:”Gentlemen, your letter regarding title received. I note you wish said title to be claimed back further than I have done it. I was unaware that any educated man failed to know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803. The title of the land was acquired by France by right of conquest of Spain. The land came into possession of Spain in 1492 by right of discovery by a Spanish-Portuguese sailor named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by Queen Isabella of Spain. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about title, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope of Rome upon Columbus’ voyage before she sold her jewels to help him. Now the Pope, as you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, who is the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, made the world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to assume that He also made that part of the United States called Louisiana, and I hope to hell you’re satisfied.”

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, “Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.”The engineer replied, “But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.”Then, the lawyer spoke up. “Yes,” he said, “But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?”

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.””I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.”It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s why!”

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

“I think accountants are the easiest to operate on,” said the first surgeon.
“You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”

“I think librarians are the easiest to operate on,” said the second. “You open
them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”

“I like to operate on electricians,” said the third. “You open them up and
everything inside is color-coded.”

“I like to operate on lawyers,” said the fourth. “They’re heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.”

Three men crash their hot air baloon into a tree in the middle of nowhere.

After being stuck there for hours unable to get down a man walks past underneith

One of the men in the tree shouts down to the man
”Ummmm….. excuse me……. where are we?”

The man below replys ”Your in a tree”
and then leaves

One man in the tree says to the other ” you can tell he is a lawyer.”

”How?”

”Exactly on the point but no use to anyone what so ever!”

A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. “Young man, where are your scruples? Isn’t there anyone too low for you to defend?”

“I don’t know, ” Ernie says, “What have you done?”

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.The doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”She said that she did. He asked, “Does it hurt you?”She said that it didn’t. The doctor then told her, “Well, then, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”The woman was mystified. She asked “You can get pregnant from anal sex?”The doctor replied, “Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?”

A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business, for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says, “That will be eight dollars.”He give the bartender the money and says, “Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!”The bartender replies, “It cant be that much more than where you live.”The man replies, “Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel you’ve had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!”The incredulous bartender says, “I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?”The guy replies, “Well no, not exactly…but it happens to my wife all the time!”