My Dad’s a Lawyer

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Tommy,” replied the second.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.

Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Billy.

“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.

The Lawyer’s Generosity

One day, a lawyer was riding in his limo and saw two men sitting
on the side of the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to
stop the limo and stepped outside. “Excuse me,” the lawyer
started. “May I ask as to why you are consuming that green …
plant?”

The skinnier man replied, “We have no money … we haven’t eaten
in weeks,” the man pulled some grass out of his torn pocket.
“This is for my wife and-” The lawyer cut him off. “Come …
Come with me! To my home! You deserve better than this dead dry
grass!” The two men looked at each other. The thin one said, “I
have a wife and 4 kids,” he pointed to his friend, “he has a
wife and 8 children! Will you still take us in?”

The lawyer gave them a warm smile. “Of course! I feel it is my
duty … Besides the grass at my house is nice and green … and
at least 2 feet tall!!”

Job Hunting Dog

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:Help wanted.Must type 70 words a minute.Must be computer literate.Must be bilingual.An equal opportunity employer.A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. Helooked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,and walked into the manager’srs office, making it clear hewished to apply for the job.The office manager laughed and said, “I can’t hire a dogfor this job.”The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunityemployer.”So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”The dog went off to the word processor and returned aminute later with the finished letter, perfectlyformatted.The manager said, “Alright, here’s a problem. Write acomputer program for it and run it.”Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correctanswer.The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I still can’t hireyou for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

2 2

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2 2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”.

The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.”

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

Late again

A secretary comes in late for work for the third day in a row, so her boss calls her into his office.

“Look, Sharon,” he says irritably. “I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that, just because we had an affair, you could come and go as you please around here?”

Sharon lights up a cigarette and says, “My lawyer.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Bribing the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was
talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt
like that would prejudice him against you. He might even
hold you in contempt of court.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision
in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the
courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It really worked!”

Confidently, the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have
lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them,” replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer.

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case…. Good thing I
remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”