Category: lawyers

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew
to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency
landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if
everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still
going around passing out business cards.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a snake?

When you run over a snake, you don’t back up to make sure it’s dead.

One day two blind men started fighting.Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out “I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.”Both men ran away.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, ”if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

”Absolutely,” the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, ”Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read ”Consultation: $25.00.”

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients.

The first surgeon said, “I like artists. When you cut them open,
they are awash with color inside.”

The second one said, “I much prefer engineers. When you cut them
open everything is orderly and numbered.”

“nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest are attorneys.
They hace only two parts: their ass and their mouth and those
are interchangeable.”

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O’Leary’s cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman’s worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

Q: How do you know when a lawyer is lying?

A: When his lips are moving!

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. “So, what is it?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Garber has just died” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.” The governor replied: “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the undertaker.”

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.””Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey got first pick.

Defense Attorney: “Would you please state your age to the court for the record.”Little Old Lady: “I am 86 years old.”Defense Attorney: “Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question.”Little Old Lady: “There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me.”Defense Attorney: “Did you know him?”Little Old Lady: “No, but he sure was friendly.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened after he sat down beside you?”Little Old Lady: “Well, he started to rub my thighs.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him?”Little Old Lady: “No, I didn’t.”Defense Lawyer: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago.”Defense Attorney: “Then what happened?”Little Old Lady: “He started to rub my breasts.”Defense Attorney: “Did you stop him then?”Little Old Lady: “No”Defense Attorney: “Why not?”Little Old Lady: “Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn’t felt that good in years.”Defense Attorney: “What happened next?”Little Old Lady: “Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, “Take me young man”.Defense Attorney: “And did he take you?”Little Old Lady: “No. That’s when he yelled April Fool!.. And that’s when I shot him.”

What do you call an honest lawyer?
Broke.