Yours Fun Portal !
A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. “Jack, I’ve got
to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of
your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a
decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the
one who put arsenic in your martini.”
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don’t you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q; Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?A: New Jersey got to pick first. Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? A: It’s called, Sosumi. Q: Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?A: People couldn’t decide which side to spit on. Q: Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux? Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?A: About three pounds, including the urn.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
a: His lips are moving.
Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk.
Q: Why won’t vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: A perfect setup for skeet shooting.
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life
was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three
friends that he trusted the most for some advice. one was a
doctor, one a priest,and one an attorney.
“I’ve been thinking lately,” he said to them, “that perhaps
there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we
die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I’m
giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my
funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I
can use it on my journey to the next world.” The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the
three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into
the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor
couldn’t keep it in any longer. “I have a confession,” he said.
“This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My cat scan
machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000
out of the envelope to pay for it.” As the other two cringed,
the priest then added, “I must confess, too. The poor have been
especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took
$120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them.”
The attorney was beside himself. “I am disgusted. Our friend
asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last
request. How could you two break that trust and go against his
wishes?” The doctor replies, “You expect us to believe that you,
an attorney, didn’t take anything out of your envelope?”
“I would never!” replied the attorney. “In that envelope was a
personal check for the full amount!”
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions
gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to
escape.”It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.”The boss
screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers — we had $100 when we broke
in!”
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defence lawyer.
Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and Washington DC has
so many lawyers?
New Jersey got first choice.
A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”
A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.””Me first! Me first!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt.”Poof! She’s gone.”Me next! Me next!” says the associate. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.”Poof! He’s gone.”You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
“You’re a high priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?”
“Absolutely! What’s the second question?”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo