Category: lawyers

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.””That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.””Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

A lawyer named ‘Strange’ was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

”Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

”Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. ”In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘Here lies an honest lawyer’.”

”But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

”It most certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. ”People will read it and exclaim, ”That’s Strange!”

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and
handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each
promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three
envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to
enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and
Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old
client and friend farewell.
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling
guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the
envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he
would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The
Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept
some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had
only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so
frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was
seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in
the lonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the
only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that
the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my
envelope contained my personal check for
the entire $25,000.

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, “We’re ruined, all the money’s gone and there’s no flour for bread.”Then his daughter says, “No, papa, I hid the money in my U-know-what.”The farmer said, “You’re a good girl, but if your mama was here she could have saved the sack of flour as well!”

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more
lawyers than humans.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man continued to peruse the ceiling.George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”George W. asked him why he was so uppity.Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy! You’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.”Why are you eating grass?”, he asked one man.”We don’t have any money for food.”, The poor man replied.”Oh, come along with me then.””But sir, I have a wife with two children!” “Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.”But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.”Bring them as well!” They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”The lawyer replied “No, you don’t understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!”

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really
quite enough to get you into Heaven.”

The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter –
“Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!”

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:”Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn’t you. -$50.00.”

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: “That’s Strange”!