Category: lawyers

Q: Why do Lawyers smell?

A: So the blind can hate them, too!

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle. The one in back says to the driver, “Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?” The one in front replies: “No! It must be the cobblestones!”and then there was…Two nuns where in the shower.One says “Where’s the soap?”The second says “Yes it does doesn’t it”

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

“Okay, Rover,” ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

“Hit it, Spot,” commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

“Your turn, Fella,” said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

NEW REGULATIONS FOR THE HUNTING OF LAWERS
Government Department of Fish and “WildLife” Sec. 1200

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash”, “ambulance”, or “free Perrier” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, “entrap”, or possess it.

9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drugdealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or taxaccountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
(Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder………..(2)
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor……………(1)
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator…..(4)
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster……….(3)
(Female only)
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut……………..(2)
6. Honest Attorney…………………(0)
(On the Endangered Species List) (Illegal to hunt)
7. Cut-throat……………………..(2)
8. Back-stabbing Whiner…………….(2)
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser…………(2)
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender…….($100 BOUNTY)

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions.”You witnessed the robbery, sir?” “Yes” “What was stolen?” “Two televisions” “Did you see the thiefs?” “Yes” “Could you identify them?” “Yes” “Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?”At this point, the two defendants raised their hands. What’s a defense attorney to do? 🙂

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !

What’s the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!

What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.

Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.

It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !

What’s the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

“Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”

Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”

Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins: 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty. 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case. …And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.” St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?” The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.” St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?
A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the
researchers don’t get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test
results to human beings.

There was this drunk who said to the bartender, “I want a woman!” so the bartender gave him directions to a place.The drunk was so messed up that he couldn’t remember where the bartender told him to go. So he accidentally walks into a Foot Doctor’s office.The lady at the counter asks, “Can I help you?”The Drunk says, “Yes, I want some service.” So the lady replies, “Go in the other room and put it on the table.”So the drunk goes and puts his dick on the table.The lady comes in and says, “That’s not a foot!”The drunk replies, “Give it time, lady, Give it time.”

The real-estate boss got a hot a new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on.Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. “Listen, Baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?The secretary’s reply, “My lawyer!”

One day a lawyer was sitting in his office and a young lady ran
in. The lawyer asked the lady what was wrong. The lady replied,
“I want to file a sexual harassment claim against my boss.” The
lawyer proceded to ask the lady what happened. “Everyday my boss
comes in and says my hair smells good.” The lawyer looked
confused and said, “I can’t do anything for that unless you can
bring me more eyewitnesses to the incident.”

The next day the lady returns with two more women. The lawyer
listened while the three ladies said the same story as the day
before. “I’m sorry ladies, but I can’t do anything about this
situation. Is there any more information you haven’t told me?”
asked the lawyer. The three ladies looked at each other for a
second and then replied at the same time, “He is a midget.”