Category: lawyers

An Australian goes to buy a condom at a nearby chemist.The lady behind the counter gives a choice of three types. German, French, and Australian.”What’s the difference,” he asks?”Well, the Germans are quite active. They have 7 in the pack. One for Monday, one for Tuesday, and so on.” “The French are very passionate people. They have 8. One for Monday, and so on, and 2 on Sundays.” “The Australians, well, they have 12.”At this, the Australian swells up with pride, Really 12?”Yes, 12. One for January, one for February….”

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”

“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

How come you can’t find lawyers sunbathing on the beach? Cats keep covering them over with sand.

How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say “Fees!”

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?

Not enough cement.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.” said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice. It read: Legal Consultation Service $150

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one, “let’s be
honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end
of the discussion.

Attorney: Doctor, what treatment did you give this man?
Doctor: I cleansed the wound, sutured it, and put him to bed with a nurse.

A blind man went to a lumber yard for a job. The boss didn’t want to just tell him no, so he told him that if he could pass a test, he’d hire him. He had one of his employees take him out back to identify some lumber. He brought the man to a pile of pine paneling, the man walked around the pile and sniffed, correctly identifying it as pine paneling.The employee thought, “How did he do that?” Next he took him to a pile of 2×4’s. These he also correctly identified after sniffing around a bit. Now they were all amazed. They decided it was time to trick him. They brought out the receptionist and laid her buck naked on her back. The blind man walked around and sniffed.Obviously puzzled he walked around and sniffed and walked around and sniffed some more. Scratching his head, he told them to flip it over.They did so and the sniffing continued. Suddenly he started laughing and said”You think you’ve got me, don’t you? Well I know what that is. That’s the shit house door off of a tuna boat!

After listening to the elderly hooker plead her case, Judge Poe calls a brief recess and retires to his chambers.

En route, he bumps into Judge Graham.

�Say,� Poe asks, �what would you give a 63-year-old hooker?�

�Christ,� Graham replies. �Five or six bucks, tops.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her son’s arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didn’t understand the answer to that “million dollar question”. Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the man’s stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint…that the sperm came out of the man’s penis.Suddenly, the boy’s face became quite red and he said, “YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??”

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear.One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.The brunette goes first.”I think I’m the smartest woman on earth.””POOF!” She disappears. The redhead goes up to try.p>”I think I’m the prettiest woman on earth.””POOF!” She disappears. The blonde goes up.”I think–“”POOF!