Category: lawyers

Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?

Q: What is the difference between God and A lawyer?

A: God doesn’t think of himself as a lawyer.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.” The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn’t know the law?
A: A judge.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money withhim when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave themdirectly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to Heaven.Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
Witness: That’s me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Once there were three surgeons engaged in conversation.
They got on the topic of their occupation and each stated who they liked to
operate on.

The first doctor said, “I like to work on electricians.”
“Why?” the others replied.
He answered, “When you open them up, they are all color coded so you know
where everything goes.”

The second doctor said, “I like to work on librarians.”
“Why?” the other doctors asked.
He replied, “Librarians are all orgainized in a sophisticated pattern.”

The third doctor said, “Well, I like to work on lawyers.”
“Lawyers?!” replied the others suprised.
“Yes, Lawyers” he stated.
“But why?” they asked him.
“Well, they are gutless, they have no spine, and their heads and butts are
interchangable.”

Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:”If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.””Now,” he concluded, “which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

On a Sunny day in Boca Raton, FL a lawyer is getting out of his
BMW. All of a sudden, a raging driver flies by and takes out his
drivers side door while he’s standing there.

The Police come and they are so amazed at this guy, he’s so pig
headed. They say “I cant beleive your going crazy over your BMW,
are you in pain?”. “Why would I be in pain” claims the lawyer.
“Well your left arm is ripped off” says the cop. The Lawyer says
“OH SHIT!, my Rolex!”

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food.” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then.”
“But sir, I have a wife with two children!”
“Bring them along! And you, come with us too!”, he said to the other man.
“But sir, I have a wife with six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!”

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!”

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney�s office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very complex,” said the lawyer, “but I�ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.”Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500,” the old man wrote out his check and left.When she got off the phone and realized the old man�s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for half an hour�s work isn�t bad.”

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.