Category: lawyers

A friend sent me the following portion of a transcript, which was confirmed with one of the counsel involved (Ms. Olschner) and subsequently posted on Lexis Counsel Connect. The transcript is from Birmingham, Alabama, although the use of a deposition of a party opponent “for any purpose” is also in the federal rules. We have no word on what had happened immediately prior to this exchange:*The Court:* Next witness.*Ms. Olschner:* Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat Mr. Buck in the head with his client’s deposition.*The Court:* You mean read it?*Ms. Olschner:* No, sir. I mean to swat him [in] the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition “for any purpose” and that is the purpose for which I want to use it.*The Court:* Well, it does say that.(Pause.)*The Court:* There being no objection, you may proceed.*Ms. Olschner:* Thank you, Judge Hanes.(Whereupon Ms. Olschner swatted Mr. Buck in the head with a deposition.)*Mr. Buck:* But Judge…*The Court:* Next witness.*Mr. Buck:* We object.*The Court:* Sustained. Next witness.End transcript.

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the
other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the
man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, �Where do you work?�

The man said, �Here and there.�

The judge asked the man, �What do you do for a living?�

The man said, �This and that.�

The judge then said, �Take him away.�

The man said, �Wait, judge when will I get out?�

The judge said to the man, �Sooner or later.�

There were three golfers.One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water. However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth. As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away. Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle. Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again,I’m going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!”

A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking, and athletic; but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.”Darling wife,” The husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if…”The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”The man dies, happy.The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask me about the other three!”

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water!

Question: Why don’t sharks bite lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
Answer: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can’t do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet under instead of the normal
six feet?

Because deep down, they really are good people.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, “All Lawyers are ASSHOLES!”

A man at the front of the bar stands up and says “Hey! I resent that!”

So the first man asks, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”

“NO! I’m an asshole!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Marine 3-star general in charge of the joint office called his entire staff in for an indoctrination meeting. When they were all inside, the general had his aide close the door and said, “If you’re going to work in this office, you need to have COMMITMENT, each and every one of you. Nothing is more important.”He then said to his aide, “Let him go.” The aide opened up the door to a side office, and in ran a 7-foot long alligator, snarling and snapping.The general looked straight at his new people and said “You’re each going to have to demonstrate COMMITMENT.”He then undid his belt and dropped his trousers around his knees. Immediately the alligator ran up and sunk his teeth right into the general’s family jewels and held on tight. The general winced, but instantly composed himself and shouted, “This is COMMITMENT!”He waited several seconds more, then took two of his fingers and jabbed the alligator in both eyes. The gator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the general.”That, my friends, is COMMITMENT. Which one of you is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?”There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring. Finally an AF fighter pilot stepped forward and said, “I will sir, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes.”